No Suzy Homemaker

so close...yet feels so far away...

2012-01-14T00:01:00.000+11:00

Another year, another new beginning

2012-01-03T15:33:00.000+11:00

Well.

What a whirlwind end to the year that was. We moved house, made huge financial decisions, I finished up my last days at my job of 6 yrs with a bang, we started the renovations on our old home, completely changed our life plan, had Christmas, a week's holiday and finally...we are back, and feeling somewhat settled and ready to get on with the business of the New Year.

Today is Lou's first day back at work, and my first day back at wrangling the beasts single handedly. My hips are wrecked from this monster baby I'm carrying, and oh, did I mention its been hovering around 40C for days now? Ugh.

I can hardly believe how fast our lives are changing. I can't believe I am so close to having this baby. I can't believe how long it's taken to get to this point. I can't believe how lucky we've been over the past year.

Manny kissing baby Bumbles

I have so much more to say but honestly? The beasts are driving me crazy and I have to go break up another fight. The almost-ten-year-old has decided to act like a spoilt toddler lately which is just joyful...

Declaring bankruptcy

2011-12-13T22:43:00.001+11:00

no, not literally (thank the gods we are not at that point yet). I'm declaring an internet bankruptcy.

I did not have the headspace to deal with anything beyond what I had to do on a given day for the last month or so - the idea of blogging, reading blogs, twitter or facebook (beyond my random updates on my personal page) was just too much to deal with. I did not respond to emails unless I really had to - I have barely been keeping up with text messages, it's been bad.

Today I feel like I can finally open the computer again (the only internet I've been using is on my phone!) and dive back in, because I kind of miss it. I do love me some interwebz, but I am glad I took the time off.

So I have cleared my inbox, marked all items as read in my google reader, and started on a clean slate. Lets see how long I can keep it up...my life is still pretty chaotic!

more changes

2011-12-05T08:17:00.001+11:00

Last week I lost my job.

We are all still reeling over what this will mean for us. I am in a better position than many of the other 11 redundancies announced the same day...but still. Just when I feel I can't handle any more thrown at me, the universe decides it needs to shake things up again!

overwhelmed

2011-11-22T13:18:00.001+11:00

Things are overwhelming here in my little corner of the world.
I haven't had the emotional energy to come here and blog, despite having thoughts of what I could blog about most days...I sit in front of the computer at the end of the day and my mind goes blank.

I may have already said, but we got a bit of a rude awakening from our accountant recently regarding some financial decisions I made a few years ago, and it's prompted a total re-think of our investment strategy and had caused a great many late nights up reading, and learning, and reading some more.

I think I'm about on top of it, but it does mean that we have decided to sell our house without building the extension that's been in the works for months and months. It also means we have to get our butts into gear and renovate/update the place ASAP in order to make it enticing as it is (not a very big house currently, hence the extension plans). Hoping that a low price that allows us to simply break even will make it sell quickly, as it will be the cheapest beachfront property around.

All this in the same week that we settled on investment property #4 (only 2 currently held) - which puts all our reno plans for that one on hold indefinitely! Phew.

Add to that the fact that I am 7 months pregnant and definitely not feeling the best at the moment, and the 2 year old has reached hyperspeed and yells non-stop - there isnt a moment of peace around here!

Moving plans are well underway - you wouldn't know it by looking at the house but we are moving tomorrow (eep!) I should really be up right now packing, but I've woken up this morning with a pain in my hip that makes merely standing up a very painful exercise.

Moving should be fun!

Oh did I mention it's raining for the first time in weeks too? Typical...

Moving, moving, moving on

2011-11-15T11:59:00.000+11:00

It has been a long ass month. And we are only halfway through it!

But finally I am moving forward. The past few months have been filled with plans of renovating, dealing with builders, day to day struggles of a high maintenance 9 year old and a willful 2 year old both trying to exert their dominance, deciding whether to continue at work or resign, and just getting into my rut of being brought down by the minutiae of daily life.

Of course I also decided to buy another investment property at the same time. An old stone villa in serious disrepair that was an absolute steal. Also possibly may fall down at some point. Structural schmucktural. I'm sure it'll be fine...Fairly sure...Yeah she'll be fine.

We are also literally moving......in with my mother. My slightly neurotic, gets on my nerves, too much like me, mother. It should only be for 6 months. While we renovate our house and put it on the market. Oh and renovate the new investment property. Oh and have the baby.

My mother has lived on her own for ten years. She's about to have a house full. My kids are LOUD. I am LOUD. My mother is QUIET. Should be.....interesting?

Survivor's guilt?

2011-11-10T19:42:00.000+11:00

Mama guilt.

We all have it. Some of us, like my Catholic mother, become experts at passing the guilt on to their children. But I feel confident in saying we all experience it in some form throughout our parenthood journey. Those of us who go back to work feel guilty for leaving our kids (at least I do). Those who stay at home have different triggers.

Mine feels like a whole new breed of Mama Guilt. That of the mother who survives a child.

I have heard so many times "losing my baby has made me a better person" and I've commented before how I didn't feel that was necessarily the case for me. Another gem that seems to pop up a lot is "I've become a better mother since my baby died".

Another one that just doesn't seem to ring true for me. It should, though. I mean, once you have buried a child, surely you understand just how precious and amazing a gift your living children are....right?

Well of course you do.

However. Having said that...your precious darling treasures will still drive you crazy with their incessant whining. As mine has today. It has been a hard work day. And I have yelled. And then I felt guilty. And then I walked past photos of my Starbaby and felt doubly guilty.

Because I love my kids. But my WORD can they drive me insane.

Dia de los Angelitos

2011-11-02T17:36:00.000+11:00

One of the traditions I have observed each year since my baby's death is Dia de los Angelitos, on the evening of the 1st November each year. I create an ofrenda for him and devote some time to remembering his spirit.

My ofrenda usually includes orange marigolds, but this year the day snuck up on me and instead I crept out at night into my back garden and picked the first flower I saw...a small, perfectly formed rose. I could not have picked a more perfect flower for him.

I leave toys, always a new and different Pez, as my Lou collects them. I leave trinkets and candies, and again, normally we make and decorate beautiful sugar skulls (the one pictured is from 2008), but sadly not this year.

I leave him his teddies, and a pillow and his blankets so that his spirit can rest after his long journey.

I leave a light on in the window all night to guide his spirit home. I feel him the closest on this night, more than his birthdays, more than any other day. I know he is with us.

Do you have any traditions that you stumbled across that have become important to you over the years?

Running out of room in here...

2011-11-01T12:53:00.003+11:00

There are so many things on my mind at the moment that I am finding it hard to find the headspace, rather than the time, to sit down and blog. My brain seems to be reaching critical mass.

My primary concern right now is the bad news we got from our accountant last week, about a stupid decision I made to sell one of our investment properties within 12 months of it being transferred to me *headdesk* yes holding it for only a few more months would have reduced my CGT liability by 50%.

You live, you learn.

So that's what I have been doing for the past week. Learning. Reading, reading, reading, and developing new strategies for dealing with our investments and liabilities. Prudent timing also, as I did in fact go and buy another investment property recently (settlement in 2 weeks!) and all of my newfound knowledge will hopefully assist me moving forward.

We are still packing up our house with the vain hope that we will have to move out soon for the renovations to start (but just quietly, I am not holding my breath).

I have bit the bullet and decided to make an appointment with the GP to get my big kid tested and find out what is going on with him. I'm pretty sure its some form of ADD, but accept that there is a possibility of him being on the autism spectrum. I've thought it many times over the past few years and done what I could to reduce the problems, but he's just not coping at school so its time I find out what's going on.

Also, our car decided to fall apart this week too (literally) so that's taken up some headspace, and my mind is still reeling from all the things I learnt at ProBlogger.

I have a lot of things on my "to do" list and even more on my "to write about" list...but alas, they may have to wait.

Oh and I foolishly signed up for NaNoWriMo...again. I have yet to complete it, tried three years in a row. Perhaps this time will be different??

Is anyone else out there foolish enough to attempt it this year?

Are you a Boy or a Girl?

2011-10-27T22:38:00.000+11:00

When I dropped my Little one off at daycare the other day, pretty much the first words out of one of the "older" carers mouths was "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Cue a WTF look from me.

One of the little girls answered "I'm a girl!" and the carer shushed her and asked my Little once more "are you a boy or a girl?"

His answer was a quizzical look and a strong "I'm Manny!"

I grinned. That's my kiddo. Labels are for soup cans.

The carer looks up at me and explains that she is teaching them "differences" and the differences between boys and girls. I must have had a deer in the headlights look because she went on with "maybe Mummy can practice teaching you at home!"

Honestly I had no idea what to say. I was dumbfounded. I didn't want to cause a scene so I stayed quiet. Was I being oversensitive because of my queerness? Probably. But it just seemed wrong to me.

Do I say to her that we do not enforce gender stereotypes on our children?
Do I tell her that within our community of friends we have a number of transgender and genderqueer peeps who we love and support?
That a couple of people our children once knew as "she" are now "he"?
Do I tell her that Manny is way too young to know yet whether he is a girl or a boy?
Or quite simply that I feel it is an inappropriate choice of topic?

What would you do?

I would like to clarify that I do call him my sweet boy, darling boy etc constantly, we are not raising him genderless, it just struck me quite strongly (and unexpectedly) as I heard her asking such a black and white question. We assume he is a boy. That he will grow up to be a man. But that may not be the case and I know it. I dont think there is anything wrong with explaining genders to your kids (aka "Mummy is a girl") but this seemed different to me. Perhaps I am oversensitive?!

Viability

2011-10-25T22:38:00.000+11:00

Interrupting your regularly scheduled nonsense post to say.......

VIABILITY!

That's right...24 weeks today. Not that I'm ready for the little one to come any time soon.

Had my regular Dr appointment and had a quick growth scan, everything is ahead of dates which warms my heart, because growth is one of our key markers to make sure there is no repeat chromosomal problems that took our Starbaby from earth (we do not want to do any invasive testing as we have decided we would continue an affected pregnancy anyway).

HC = 24w4d FL = 24w3d
BPD = 24w4d AC = 24w5d

Which puts the average at 24+4 = a full 4 days ahead...grow baby grow!

Pro Blogger's training day and a whirlwind weekend away

2011-10-23T22:30:00.000+11:00

Very early on Friday morning...and I do mean very early...(like 5am early)...I was up and on my way to Melbourne-town for my first venture into the world of professional blogging. Well, let's be honest, me being me - the best I can hope for is semi-sometimes-almost professional blogging ;)

When I heard that Darren Rowse from ProBlogger and Digital Photography School (two of my favourite sites) was hosting a Training Event, I knew it was time to finally take that step towards creating the spaces that I have been thinking about (and procrastinating from) for over a year now. My bestie happens to live in Melbourne so I figured it was a good way to tie in a visit and a conference at the same time.

I probably should've thought through the 6:50am departure though, and flown in the night before - considering the free accommodation! Mornings and I are not friends, and likely never will be. I did, however, make my flight - with a few minutes to spare (can you believe it?). Unfortunately, with my inability to calculate times effectively, I landed at 8:35am...and registration for the conference was at 8:30am. Oops. As the event started, I was sitting in a taxi with the laziest taxi driver on earth, frantically tweeting all the other bloggers stuck in traffic. At least I didn't have to drive (seriously Melbourne, WTF with the hook turns??) and I did eventually make it there (an hour and $58 later).

It was an interesting and valuable day (especially within my amazingly sleep deprived mind). If anyone is interested in the things we learned, please let me know and I am happy to pass on my notes (I took so many!). I may even write up a proper summary of the day at some point (hoping to get on it tomorrow). For now, if you're interested, Veronica and Tina Gray have both written great reviews. One of the most amazing moments of the day was the surprise speaker - Tim Ferriss, who had just come from being a keynote speaker with Richard Branson at a very high profile convention. How lucky are we, and what an inspiration.

Even though I knew nary a soul there, I managed to make some great connections with some lovely people, who incidentally, also happen to have fabulous blogs! I have been thinking of the best way to celebrate these new connections, and I think a short review of each blog here within my humble space is going to be a good start. So if you are looking for some great new reads...stick around for the next week or so and follow along as I make the rounds of the wonderful #pbevent crew.

I stayed for part of the networking event after the conference, but as the day wore on and I became more and more tired, (23 weeks pregnant + long day) I also felt more and more socially anxious and awkward around so many people I didn't know.

Luckily my best Sam was on her way in to meet me and take me out to dinner, followed up by the delicious, famous Niko cheesecake in Oakleigh (<<-- not my image but the same cheesecake from Niko's). Unfortunately I had eaten so much at the ProBlogger event, that I could not eat a single bite. Never fear, I polished off the whole piece the next morning for breakfast!

A day of shopping at Chadstone later, it was Saturday night and I was on my way back home. A minor detour across the West Gate Bridge and back again, (nice driving Sam ;) and I was still early for my flight (well, there's a first time for everything).

Of course, Melbourne being Melbourne (the jokes about the weather are not undeserved) a massive hailstorm hit right as we were supposed to board our plane. Cue another half hour wait to board, and then another half hour on the plane waiting to take off! Eventually the plane took off, and within 5 minutes in the air we were into clear skies and sunshine.

Within an hour we were flying over my little town again. I knew I had to get through an 18th birthday party before I could actually go home, but I couldn't wait to land and be with my little family again.

I love landing into my hometown.

Every. Single. Time.

Niko cheesecake image from here: source

Discriminating against toddlers??

2011-10-20T12:58:00.003+11:00

Today I am linking up with Thankful Thursdays at Kate's blog...but I am finding it difficult to be thankful.

I have just been informed that my baby's playgroup has been banned from our community centre...because all the parents are gay.

We have been meeting in the same place, at the same time, for three years. New managers came in a few months ago and have been making things...difficult...for a while. Last week we were told that they were going to make some "business decisions" one of which was to cancel the childrens groups (because children really have no place in a COMMUNITY CENTRE, right?) We were told to find a new place, but would be welcome to continue to meet until we find a new venue.

We were upset, but I was a little glad to find somewhere new that didnt make us feel uncomfortable. I accepted it and wasn't going to make a fuss. But this morning, the group arrived to find the door to our room locked and the lights off. No staff could be found anywhere (cowards). A sign was on the door that we were suspended from the centre. Suspended. Like we are in high school being punished for talking in class.

I found out through phone calls because I am busy ~~procrastinating~~ organising everything ready to go to ProBlogger's event in Melbourne tomorrow so I wasn't going to go. That and I wanted to take a nap. I woke up to three missed calls and a quick succession of three more calls. Everyone is understandably upset.

They did tell us it was a business decision didn't they. Surely it's not because we are gay. They just hate children. But wait, is that a toddlers music class still going in the back rooms? YES IT IS.

How dare they take this away from our children simply because the parents are gay.

We are just like every other parent. We play with play-doh. We go for walks. We cook meals for our family and we enrol our kids in kindergarten. We spend nights awake worrying that the baby will stop breathing. We hug and kiss and love our kids. We are just like every other parent.

But I am not devoid of perspective.

I am thankful that we live in a country where this particular kind of discrimination is outrageous to us. We do not live in a country where we could be imprisoned or killed for being who we are. We do not have to hide who we are, who we love, our kids do not have to pretend they don't have two mums.

But it still stings when we hear that we are considered different, less worthy, than a straight family. It hurts me and it hurts my kids, which in turn makes me angry. More than angry. But that's an emotion for another day.

another young life lost

2011-10-18T22:56:00.000+11:00

**TRIGGERS** please be aware I talk about suicide in this post. If you are struggling with depression please reach out. You can contact Lifeline 24 hours a day on 13 11 14

Once again I had a blog post ready to publish tonight, and was completely blindsided by yet another suicide. This makes five in a year among people I know. In my opinion, that is 5 too many.

The young man we all lost today was a sweet kid, just a teenager. He was the best friend of my little cuz. At every family gathering he would go out of his way to speak to us, and he was so gentle, and funny...but I knew he had a wild side!

I remember the first time he met my Little. He was so fascinated by his tiny feet and tiny shoes. I always spoke highly of him. Told the rest of the family that my cuz was lucky to have friends like him. That he would look out for him.

And today, we find that he has taken his own life. My first response is pure sadness. For him, for his family, for his hundreds of friends. My second response is anger.

Why are our kids still killing themselves? What are we doing wrong? What more can we do?

My Rocket will turn ten in January. And then it's a slippery slope into the teenage years. He is a highly emotional kid. He is easily hurt. And I am terrified that one day I will get the call that JC's parents got today. Terrified.

May you find peace, young man. You had so much to live for, I wish you might have understood that.

If you are struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide PLEASE reach out. You can contact Lifeline 24 hours a day on 13 11 1. Life is worth it. It does get better.

the Wave of Light - Remembering our Lost Babies - October 15th

2011-10-15T21:47:00.003+11:00

Once again we are joining the Wave of Light across the world for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day.

We remember them every single day of our lives, but today, on October 15th, we remind the world. Our babies lived. They were here. They left their tiny footprint on the world, and all over our hearts. Our lives go on, forever changed by the tiny person we held in our arms only briefly.

My tiny boy was desperately wanted. He was loved by so many people, who were all so anxious to meet him. None of them ever had the chance.

Today I remember him. I remember his little siblings, conceived last year, and lost. Our Hercules was our success on our first round of IVF. We couldn't believe our luck. On the 1st of June we lost him. Our Walnuts were with us too short a time. We lost one at 4 weeks and the other at 7 weeks.

But my boy. My tiny boy. My full term, 3lb 7oz baby boy. Most days I just can't believe he was here, and now he's gone. I felt him grow within me and we talked every day. He made me eat fresh oranges by the kilo and do a little dance every time we had peaches. He made me want Frosties desperately and his Mim would go out at all hours to fetch them for us. He had a room waiting for him, filled with tiny leather jackets to match his Aunty's, and tiny Everlast sneakers to wear out to Gaelic footy. He was named, and loved, and loved.

He was here.
He existed.
I love him so much I think my heart might burst wide open.
His life has changed my life permanently.
And today I am joining the rest of the world as we share in the memories of our little ones.

Olive Lucy 27th August 2007
McKenna Rae 27th May 2007
Eli 20th February 2008 and Collin 1st January 2009
Jack Joseph Lee 3rd November 2007
Scarlett Casey 17th February 2009
Ella Jane 11th November 2010
Tristan Alexander 21st January 2008
Cooper Riley 2007 and Brayden Miller 2008
Gabriel, Brennan and Parker 24th January 2007
if you would like to add your beloved baby to my Love List, please leave a comment below...

Things I Know

2011-10-14T13:08:00.001+11:00

I know that an innocent comment made recently by a friend made me Laugh Out Loud, but now creeps me out (stalk much?)

I know that I have not kept up with the commitments I made to my parenting and while I feel guilty about it, I still struggle to find the motivation to get going

I know that I have so much to do around here but I am just. so. tired. that all I want to do is lie around and eat!

I know that I have little to no patience with my Big Kid and I feel really bad about it, but he just bugs me SO MUCH sometimes!

I know that freh fruit and vegies are good for me, but killer pythons >> taste so much better! (starting to think my baby may come out with multicoloured stripes and a forked tongue...)

I know that we still have so much to organise and move before we can start the renovations on this house...but it's all so overwhelming - how on earth did we end up with so. much. STUFF???

I know that it's definitely time to get up off the couch and actually do something....

Apparently this episode of things I know was brought to you by the letter G for Guilty and L for Lazy!

the dreaded announcements

2011-10-10T09:47:00.000+11:00

It has now reached that point in my pregnancy where it is unavoidable. My belly has taken on gargantuan proportions. Waddling is imminent. People started asking weeks ago. It was time. To start telling people.

At 11 weeks we told our parents because I was already showing. When I say 'we' I of course mean Lou. Because I have always found it incredibly difficult to mutter those infamous words "I'm pregnant" - even before all of our losses. Lou thinks it may harken back to me having to 'fess up to my mother at 17 years old that I had gone and got myself up the duff. Who knows? All I know is that I find it possibly the most awkward statement to make in the entire English language.

***

This past week I knew I had to tell the HR at my work before she heard it somewhere else, and of course, couldn't rely on using Lou to make the announcement! I did it though, and cringed at the "oh how wonderful you must be so EXCITED!!!!" comments.

I couldn't help myself, I explained to her about my high risk status. Mentioned the unmentionable words that have always come so easy to me, that my son died a few years ago and my pregnancies are always watched closely as a result. She was shocked to say the least. I enjoyed the shock infinitely more than the excitement (this is the HR that has been making my working life very difficult for the last few months, I wouldnt normally take delight in seeing someone squirm...)

Of course this means that in the next email newsletter sent out to the whole firm (sent out the next day) my little piece of news was included. Joy *twirls finger*. This, of course, means that all I've had all day is people coming up and gushing over how excited I must be. This, of course, makes me uncomfortable AND terrified again.

***

When it came to announcing to our friends, I chickened out and did the facebook thing by just posting an ultrasound photo.I did make sure that I sent a private message beforehand to each of my friends who I knew would be sensitive to the news, it was the least I could do after being knocked on my ass by so many pregnancy announcements myself.

It seemed like as soon as I did, there was a flurry of more announcements by my friends, some as early as 4 weeks! Honestly that just makes me cringe. I can't even imagine announcing it to the world at that point!

I know that there are some people who still don't know about the Bumblebee (lou's nickname for this newest baby). Luckily I am now at the point where they can tell 100% that I'm not just putting on weight, so I leave it up to them to comment! So this time round I've only had to officially say the words once.

How do you feel about pregnancy announcements? Are you excited and want to tell everyone straight away or are you like me and wish you could just announce the birth 9 months later??

The easiest thing to do on earth is not write...

2011-10-06T15:29:00.000+11:00

I have hit total bloggers block. I think of things randomly that I could post, but then I open up the window and it sits there blankly, mocking me with it's blankety blankness.

So I procrastinate and read a few other blogs, then I come back, stare at the blankness some more.
Log into Twitter, get overwhelmed, close Twitter.
Open my Emails, see there is nothing interesting, close Emails.
Come back and stare at the blankness some more.
Log into Facebook, decide all my friends are boring, close Facebook.

This pretty much repeats itself for a few hours and then I sigh, close the computer down and go downstairs to watch Family Guy instead. I can literally feel my brain cells screaming and dying as we speak.

I always worried about having a blog that was so specifically based around ALI (adoption, loss and infertility). That was why I wanted to have this blog be something more. But I had so many friends in the ALI community that followed me from previous blogs, and fertility treatments took up ALL of my time for a good year and a half, it just turned into that. I have seen so many times, when the blogger finally gets pregnant, its like they run out of things to say and all of a sudden, they are gone.

That isn't the reason for my absence. It's pure laziness. I am so exhausted that my brain just shuts down the minute I get home! I am hoping that with a bit of planning I can at least get something interesting on the page (screen?) to maybe kickstart me back on the blogging track.

Until then, any suggestions for breaking bloggers block are extremely welcome!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...right?

2011-09-28T14:24:00.000+10:00

Forgive me Reader for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last ~~confession~~ post.

Oh and it has been quite the week (or two). I think I have felt every range of emotion possible to a human, and I am spent. Normally when we have a run of luck like this, I blog constantly and escape to the internet...this time I couldn't bring myself to even log in, let alone post or read anything.

We had R U OK day here the week before last, which brought up a lot of feelings about the people we have lost. FIL came home from the US and MIL was finally discharged from hospital. It was MIL's birthday and we had some more bad family news. I've had to deal with more and more drama at work, and I had to help my somewhat high maintenance mother move house.

We had our anatomy scan and were told there was possibly a problem. We spent a week trying not to think about said problem. Yesterday another scan showed some improvement and that surgery was not necessary. We all breathed a sigh of relief (never had so many 'likes' on a facebook post).

I completely ignored my email account, my facebook account (other than my personal page), my twitter feed. I logged on multiple times but just couldn't post anything and every single day would just close the browser untouched.

I feel as though I have had somewhat of an emotional crisis and now I have to start building myself back up again. Which is made doubly hard by the fact that I've been sick every day for the past few weeks, and feel as though my pelvis has completely split apart (already! wtf pelvis could you not wait?). It hurts to sit at my desk - not fun when you work in an office. It hurts to move, and walking? Forgeddaboudit!

So here I go, I guess now I tackle my emails (eep) and the thousands and thousands of unread posts in my Google Reader (yikes).

Wish me luck :)

Reflecting on 9/11 - Ten Years Later

2011-09-12T00:03:00.002+10:00

Ten years ago, in early 2001, my mother's company put her forward for two different overseas positions. One of them was in New York. I was so excited at the thought that I could possibly move with her and live in such an amazing city. She told me all about the position, how she would be working in the World Trade Center. I had no idea what that was, but it sounded impressive. She didn't get the position, and we kept living our little Australian suburban lives.

Ten years ago I was eighteen years old. I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and living on my own for the first time. I woke up on that fateful day around 10am (oh those were the days) after staying up all night reading Tomorrow When the War Began.

I stumbled out to the lounge room, snuggled myself into my sloppy second hand couch and turned on the TV. And wondered what the heck kind of movie they were showing. It looked awfully realistic. I switched channels. There it was again. I flicked over and over listening to the commentary with my mouth hanging open. I thought for a moment that I might still be asleep, dreaming of war playing out the way it had in my books.

I sat there aghast at the sights unfolding before my eyes on the small television screen. I called my mother, who was distraught. A hundred and seventy six employees of her company lost their lives that day. I haven't stopped to think about the alternative. That we may have lost her that day.

Helicopters, army planes and commercial flights often passed over my apartment block. That day every time one flew overhead I was convinced it was the beginning of World War III. I held my stomach, thinking of the world my son would be born into. I was terrified, thinking that there was no way such an event could do anything but herald the beginning of a war.

I was right, partly.

It started a war. Hundreds of thousands of people have died. But the war did not come to my country. I was lucky. So many civilians and soldiers fighting for their country have lost their lives on a continent thousands of miles away.

Today, in New York City, thousands will gather for the tenth anniversary memorial 'celebrations'. I have deliberately left the television off all day, and will continue to do so. We do not need to relive the horror of that day. For anyone who lost anyone that day in September, every image of the twin towers falling is like watching their loved one die before their eyes, over and over. I wish the media would leave it alone.

Today, I am halfway through another pregnancy. So many things have changed. My life has changed. The world has changed.

Today I am thinking of the people who were told not to evacuate the building after the plane hit. The people who died saving those left behind, and the heroes who may die in the future from illnesses that began to ravage their bodies that day, and the days that followed. I am thinking of a New York friend of mine as she remembers what she viewed that day. As she stood and watched the plane fly into the North tower as she stepped out of the subway. I am thinking of every family living without their loved ones. If you have plenty of tissues ready, head over to Nikki's blog and listen to a story that is just one of so many.

Today, my beloved father in law is there, in NYC. I am praying that the day is peaceful and without incident. Just sitting here counting down the hours until he steps off the plane safely in our hometown in a few days time.

a not-so memorable life

2011-09-02T14:28:00.000+10:00

I have been asked a few times why I started blogging. I started my first blog nearly ten years ago, when I was pregnant with my first son. I wanted to be able to remember how it felt, and to remember his first years.

Because the truth is, I am unable to hold onto memories. They just seem to fade.

People are so often saying to me "Do you remember that time we [insert something I should remember]?"
My answer is almost always "Um...the time we did what?"

The only 'memories' that I have are the ones I have been told about multiple times, or the ones that are captured in photographs. I have no idea why. I'm sure there's some very interesting science behind it, (if you know of any research let me know) (unless it means there is something really wrong with my brain...then maybe I don't want to know).

When I was a teenager and this lovely little quirk became apparent, my mother became convinced that something traumatic must have happened to me and went on a crusade to get me to a hypnotherapist to find out what it was. I refused, over and over, claiming that if there was something so terrible that happened to me, and my defence mechanism was to block it from my mind, I'd like it to stay blocked thankyouverymuch.

As I got older, and I continued to be unable to remember things that happened to me, I realised it was just the way I am. I'd blame it on my drug use or the hundreds of litres of Jack Daniels I ingested over my dark years, but alas, the lack of memories started before then.

It means that I cannot remember how I felt when I was going through my worst periods of my life, which could be a blessing. Unfortunately it also means I can't remember my happiest times either. Meaning that when I am depressed, I often cannot remember how it feels to be happy and it can make it really damn hard to find my way back. On the upside, it also means that when I am really happy, I cannot remember how it felt to be depressed!

I do, however, have an uncanny knack of being able to recall stupid, meaningless trivia on any given subject. Makes me useless at remembering my own life...but awesome at quiz nights!

Do you have trouble making memories? More importantly, do you know why I do?!

Sixteen Weeks!

2011-08-30T17:52:00.005+10:00

Sixteen weeks. Six. Teen. Weeks. It's hard to believe that we have made it this far.

Today you lucky lovelies get to read yet another thrilling appointment post.

I made my appointment for first thing in the morning to ensure that I wouldn't be left in the waiting room for over an hour again.

Fail.

At least this time I brought a book with me. Unfortunately, unlike last time, the Little was awake the entire time. Bouncing on the chairs, climbing under the chairs, playing peekaboo with each other child that came in (why were their parents constantly called back straight away while I sat still waiting??).

Eventually I was called back, and by my own Doctor (wonders will never cease!) I had decided last night that if a Registrar called me back this time, I was going to refuse, and ask to book another appointment where I could actually see my Doctor. I had a whole speech prepared, it was almost a shame not to use it ;)

This time he had a Registrar with him, to do the teaching. Much prefer it that way. I have no problem with being a teaching case but I only feel comfortable being around my Doctor - for very good reasons. He introduced me to his Registrar and looked through my notes. He looked up surprised and said "have I not seen you yet this pregnancy?"

Quick answer? No.

He started explaining my case to the Registrar, and went over the nuchal results again. Then, as he does, he went off on a tangent and we ended up talking about same sex rights to access infertility treatments.
He started off by asking "Now, am I right in remembering you are in a same sex relationship?"
As soon as I said "Yes" his whole face lit up and he eagerly asked "So what do you think of the whole Penny Wong situation?"
"Well, I have my own issues with Penny Wong" I answered.
This of course led to an interesting discussion about accessing fertility treatments in SA. Pleased to say I did a bit of educating there, as he was under the impression that it was a simple case of having to be infertile to access IVF. He didn't realise it was a statewide ban on lesbians and single women accessing any type of reproductive services.

He is a very amusing old fella to talk to. I can't decide whether my favourite part of the appointment was him talking about "boy germs" or when he noted my name change (again - it's amazing. He can remember every detail of my medical history dating back 4 years, but cannot remember conversations he had with me three weeks ago!) and asked me whether I got married. I laughed at him and asked him what country he thought we lived in?

I laughed a lot today.

I was so anxious going into the appointment, but just being in the same room as him puts me completely at ease. I don't know what it is about him, he is a strange old fella, but he calms my every nerve and I end up laughing the whole time.

I got to have a little peek at the wee 'un too which was nice. He (or she) was laying back and chilling in there, it was such a hoot. All curled up with legs crossed having a kick. This one is just adorable in utero!

I can't get over it.

16 weeks.

^^ Not my baby. But this is just what he (she) looked like all curled up :)
Image from so+gi

How to: Bake Rainbow Cakes and Cupcakes

2011-08-27T18:54:00.002+10:00

The first time I saw a rainbow layer cake online, I was in love.

I decided I simply had to try it out for myself, and I was thrilled with the results. They are really quite easy. You can also adapt the recipe to suit cupcakes (see additional notes at the end).

First, make a basic buttercake mixture.
My favourite is the 2-4-6-8-Buttercake that my wonderful Nanna Betty taught me.

2 eggs
4oz butter
6oz white sugar
8oz self raising flour
and a healthy dash of vanilla extract
(to convert ounces to grams, multiply by 28. I generalise and multiply by 30 - e.g 4oz = 120g, 6oz = 180g)

To make the Buttercake mixture, cream together the butter and sugar, and slowly add the eggs and flour. Beat until smooth.

TALL RAINBOW LAYER CAKE
(1) To make the tall layer cake, I make a double mixture, and divide into 6 small bowls. Add enough food colouring to each bowl to get a strong colour. I start with a teaspoon of colour and add a drop at a time until I reach the brightness I like {I use the affordable "Queen" food colours readily available in the supermarket}

(2) Make 6 layers by baking each colour individually in an 8" pan. Each cake will be quite thin, don't panic! Bake at 180C for 10-15 minutes {check regularly with a skewer and take out as soon as cooked}.

(3) Sandwich the layers together - either with a basic buttercream, or simply by layering them while hot out of the oven so that they stick together:

(4) Frost the outside with buttercream and decorate as you wish! In the past I have surrounded it with white chocolate shards or rolled out fondant icing to cover.

To make buttercream simply beat together margarine, a teaspoon or two of vanilla extract and icing sugar until it is a lovely pale colour and tastes fantastic :)

Et Voila!

RAINBOW 'DROP' CAKE

I make my Rainbow "Drop" cake for smaller crowds. Using a single batch of buttercake, mixed up with the same colours as in Step (1) above, I drop spoonfuls of batter into an 8" pan in concentric circles. Bake at 180C for 25-30mins.

Or you can make lovely little CUPCAKES like these:

Image from Baking Bites - unfortunately I don't have a photo of my own cupcakes to share.

(1) To make cupcakes, I thin down the buttercake mixture slightly by adding some milk (about half a cup, but I add it slowly and stop if the batter starts becoming too runny).

(2) Mix up the colours in the same way as for a full cake.

(3) Add one teaspoonful of the purple mixture into each cupcake case/patty pan. Tap the tray on the bench to distribute the batter evenly.
Add one teaspoonful of the blue mixture to each pan, and gently tap the tray (do not try to spread the mixture out as it will mix with the colour underneath).

(4) Continue with each colour. Depending on the size of your cupcake cases, you may need to use less colours so as to not overfill each case.

(5) Bake at 180C. Allow to cool, and frost with a generous serve of frosting :)

***

You could make these in any colours you like. Pastels, blue & pink for a baby shower, company colours, favourite football team colours - the sky's the limit!

I'd love to see your variations - please do email them to me at nosuzyhomemaker at gmail dot com if you give it a go!

Cancer Sucks

2011-08-26T09:44:00.000+10:00

I have been trying to write this all week. It seems fitting that I finally managed today, on Daffodil Day. If you think 1 in 2 who gets cancer is one too many - please donate.

Some of my regular readers might remember that my Mother-out-of-law fought, and won the battle against lymphoma a couple of years ago. And that a few months ago, she told us that the cancer was back, and had spread. She has been going through chemo for the past few months, and did her usual job of staying cheerful and pretending everything is fine.

Until a few days ago when her acupuncturist had to call an ambulance to send her straight to hospital. Turns out she has an infection and needs to be monitored. Nothing too life threatening, but she got very, very sick for awhile there.

Lou came home from the hospital that night shocked by her condition. Vulnerable was the word she used. We are used to seeing her strong, and cheerful. ALL THE TIME (I used to think no one could be that cheerful all the time but she really is). She couldn't speak, couldn't move, it took ten minutes to transfer her from one bed to another.

And once again I felt entirely helpless. But I had to do something, so the next morning I gathered up some Better Homes and Gardens magazines (she loves them - bought me a subscription for my birthday and comes around to read them!), a box of her peppermint tea, and a bunch of lavender from our garden (there is nothing worse than the smell of a hospital room).

I rushed to get there before work, carrying my sleeping Little in over one shoulder (as I get bigger and he gets bigger this is getting increasingly difficult) and my bounty under my other arm. I walked in those doors and it just hits you.

There was a man, no older than forty, standing facing the doors, in his hospital gown, just staring. Waiting.
Every room I passed contained another person's love, lying in a bed, staring at nothing.
Utter desolation. I tell you Eden, this ward could use some of your Guerilla Art Attacks.
I found my Mother in Law's room, looked in, and kept walking. Until she called me back.

I could not believe that the old woman in the recliner was the woman I was looking for. And I understood why Lou came home so quiet. She looked sick. Old. And sick. It was the only time I have seen her without her wig. The first time she went through chemo, I was the one who cut off all her long curly hair and Lou shaved it down to fuzz. She still looked like her, only a funky Sinead O'Connor version of herself. This time, she let her hair fall out, so she just looks like a chemo patient, mostly bald, with a few long wispy bits. It makes her look old. And sick.

She smiled at me and called me in, and then I knew it was her. The smile was still her.

She lost her train of thought a few times as she spoke to me, but she could talk normally without gasping. Improvement. She had a bit of colour in her cheeks, and I knew she would be okay. You cannot keep this strong woman down for long. She has things to do.

It was only as I left and got back in the car that I remembered it was Book Week and my Big Kid wanted to dress up today. Poor kid was rushed out the door and dropped at the school gates in such a hurry I didn't even remember. We were so focussed on what was going on with MIL the night before that he barely got to speak to us. I was so focussed on getting her what I felt she needed that morning that I barely spoke to him. And bless his heart, he knew that what we were talking about was more important than his costume. I wish he didnt know of Cancer. I wish he hadn't seen death so close up that he understands it. I feel I failed him.

It turns out that I can be great at many things. At being a good mother, a good daughter, a good wife, or a good daughter in law. But only ever one at a time.

Daffodil Image from Daily Gloss - http://www.dailygloss.com/2011/08/designers-for-daffodil-day/

Sleeping babies are the sweetest - why won't mine sleep?

2011-08-23T17:37:00.003+10:00

This morning started out relatively well, after dropping the Big Kid off at school, the Little and I came home and had a nap together. The only problem was he was awake and ready to play after an hour and I could have slept for another 2 hours easily!

We have finally had a turn around in the weather lately, with some beautiful warm days - but mostly they've been days I had to work. Luckily today we were blessed with a whole heap of sunshine and warm breezes so it was off across the road to the beach for us after lunch.

He had an absolute ball, trying to catch butterflies, chasing magpies and looking for sheep (don't ask, I don't get it either). It reminded me again why I chose to do this mostly-stay-at-home-parenting-thing.

Unfortunately though, as the day wore on...it became not quite as lovely. We are in the middle of trying to turn around the wee Beastie's sleep patterns, and I tell you what...it ain't easy.

For the last few months, we've been woken by the delicate kicking and bashing of the boys' bedroom door at about midnight-1am, followed by a small but very wiggly 2 year old joining us in bed. Which wouldn't be so much of a problem if he went to sleep and/or lay still.

But noooo, little guy likes to kick off the covers (from all of us), turn himself upside down, sideways, any which way really. He wiggles and squirms, and then demands cereal at about 4am. Enough was enough.

The only thing we could think of was to drop from two naps a day (or one loooong nap) to one nap lasting no more than 90 minutes.

Fun and games....until the evening. By about 6pm he is vile. The high pitched squeals over nothing, the tantrums, the tears...it's all just too much for this mama. I was beside myself, he was beside himself, we were all cranky and we decided we just couldn't do it.

Until...that first trial night...he slept through. Until SEVEN FIFTEEN AM. Which has never happened. Ever. He is a 5:30am boy (as is my big boy - lord knows where they got that charming trait - certainly not from me, I am so not a morning person).

Which of course means the whole house had a good night's sleep and we had to at least trial it another day to see whether it was a fluke or not. Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever way you want to look at it) he slept through. Again.

So now we just have to ride it out as he progressively becomes the devil as the day wears on...and hope like mad that he eventually transitions away from needing those two naps, to being totally ok with just the one (oh please oh please oh please)...

honey, I won a CAR!

2011-08-22T20:03:00.000+10:00

Today was simply unbelievable.

My last week or so has seen a lot of sadness mixed with a lot of happiness. I am joyful every day that I wake up still pregnant (heart rate 167bpm as of this morning!), but it has also brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings of my little man. I have written and discarded a dozen posts over the past few days in particular, but nothing seemed right to post.

Until today, because this has to be documented...I would never have believed it could happen to me.

I spent the morning working on my financial spreadsheets. I realised how far we are from being able to finish the renovations and manage the mortgage for the months until the house sells. I applied for yet another credit card and sent an urgent message to Lou at work to cease using our other credit card immediately!

I realised that we would have to borrow money from our parents to meet the mortgage repayments for the next few months.

I ~~hoped~~ knew it would work out, it usually does.

But I was slightly concerned.

And then, my phone rang.

And I was informed that the caller was from a promotional company. And she was calling to talk to me about some competition or other. (sidenote: I had just last night entered my phone number on a website that I became suspicious of, and was convinced this was the result - a scammer).

I was half listening to her when she informed me that I had won the competition I entered. "What competition?" I asked. She told me, but I wasn't really listening, until she mentioned the prize.
"...so we drew the second chance draw for the car and you won."
"Won what?"
(yeah I was not exactly on the ball this morning)
"The car. A 2011 model Suzuki Swift"
"Okaaay"
(definitely not believing her now)
It was probably not the reaction she was expecting, I'm sure she was expecting screaming or something! She went on to talk about sending me an email, and picking the car up from the dealership, at which point I started to wonder whether perhaps she was for real (especially when there was no mention of giving her any bank details!)

An hour, some investigations and a lot of "holy effing crap I won a CAR" conversations later, I realised it was for real. For REALZ I won a car, yo.

Even better than that? We don't need another car. What we need is money. My mother on the other hand, has the money and needs to buy a new car. And she loves the Swift. She gets the car, I get the money.

I still can't believe it, and I don't think I will for awhile...probably not until I drive it off the lot (I think I'm still skeptical that it really happened!).

I feel like the LUCKIEST girl on the planet right now. I just can't even believe it.

thinking and wallowing

2011-08-19T11:02:00.005+10:00

I have been thinking a lot lately. By thinking I mean just diving into my deepest thoughts and wallowing there for hours at a time. I've been staying up stupidly late to avoid those moments when I get into bed and lie there for hours just thinking. Wallowing. Crying. All the sadness inside me thrives on the silence and the darkness, and just bursts out of me as soon as I lie down for the night.

My thoughts of G, of the awful way his life ended, have been haunting me lately. Obviously judging from other mutual friends on FB, the feeling is going around. That suicide is ever the option just breaks my heart, and we lost two of our small community of friends within four months of each other. I can't even fathom the depths of despair they each found themselves in. I thought I had been to those depths, but I don't think I truly have, and that thought scares the absolute shit out of me. Because where I have been? Is pretty fucking dark. I dread to think of how their final days must have been. And I know it isn't healthy to think about such things, especially for someone with a somewhat precarious mental health stability myself. And yet...I do.

I only realised the other day, that this baby is due on the first anniversary of the death of our G. Life is such a funny beast.

If you are in this dark place, or need help, please reach out. For immediate help call LifeLine on 13 11 14 or the Suicide CallBack Service on 1300 659 467.

did you reach your potential today?

2011-08-16T23:27:00.005+10:00

This is a question I find myself asking of my son a lot lately.
"Is that the best you can do?"
"Is that reaching your full potential?"
"Can you do better?"

And like so many other times, asking him these questions leads me to question myself.

Did I reach my potential today? Did I achieve what I should have in the fullness of an entire day?

Sadly the answer is normally no. Today I did NOT fulfil my potential. I did tidy the house. I did have dinner at least partially started when my partner came home from work. I did have the television off and Rocket at the table doing his homework.

But.

I had a full day at home today, and aside from the two hours I was pinned under a teething sleeping 2 year old (in fear that if I moved he would wake and commence screaming again) I had a full day that I could have used to actually get some of the things on my "to do" list done!

I have all these grand plans but don't seem to have the motivation to carry them out...I definitely need one of these
<-----------

..and the not so pancake days...

2011-08-12T00:06:00.000+10:00

Remember my lovely "pancake day"? Full of tasty treats and lovely moments with my lovely children?

...on the other end of the Mama/Housewife spectrum, you have the days where nothing goes right and the pancakes are more likely to bite your face off.

Today was one of those days. One of those days where you drive all the way to the shopping mall to buy your father in law's birthday present, accidentally shoplift candles from Go-Lo because you have completely lost the ability to remember anything for more than 35 seconds, deny the whining kids the yogurt they want, the buns they want, the cookies they want etc etc...finally locate the CD your father in law wants, and then realise you have left your purse at home, in your son's basketball bag.

So you return home, and proceed to sulk on the couch eating chocolate while your two adorable children beat each other and pull each others hair.

In other words, it was an average Friday in our house.

Nuchal Screening Results...

2011-08-09T20:40:00.004+10:00

...and a very long winded description of yet another appointment with yet another dr who is not my OB...

The results are in:
1:6000ish for Trisomy 21
1:1200ish for Trisomy 18

Nuchal fold 1.5mm
Beta-HCG 1.56 MoM
PAPP-A 1.04 MoM

I went in for my appointment believing that I would see the OB I was booked in to see - how naive of me! I was actually rather mean to the very nice resident who had to deal with me for the first part of the appointment - she kept asking why I felt that I had to see Dr P, and went a little quieter when I said quite bluntly that he was the only one I trusted after all the other Drs at this hospital treated me like an idiot when I thought there was something wrong with my Starbaby, right up until he died. Then of course they were all very very sorry for the tragic "incident" as the resident called it.

She asked whether I had done the Nuchal yet. I stared her down and said "yes, that would be why I am here". So she looked them up on her computer and says "Oh yes it looks like everything's good".

And looks at me. I stared at her "yes well I will need the actual results please. Print me a copy". She looks at me again "Is there something worrying you?"

Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?

Yes dear, there is something worrying me. The fact that I might have another terminally ill baby. The fact that I was told on the Nuchal with my full Trisomy 18 baby that the odds of him having Trisomy 18 were "very low". Had I known what to look for back then, he was classic T18. Had ANY Dr bothered to double check the results, they would have seen that he was classic T18.

For the record, for anyone who is interested:

A recent retrospective study revealed reduced levels of pregnancy-associated plasma protein A (PAPP-A) and free beta–human chorionic gonadotropin (beta-hCG) at 8-13 weeks' gestation
The multiples of the mean (MoM) in affected pregnancies was 0.25 for PAPP-A and 0.34 for free beta-hCG.
Screening for trisomy 18 using a combination of maternal age, PAPP-A, and beta-hCG has a detection rate of 76.6% with a false-positive rate of 0.5%.

Interestingly, our readings with our Star who died from full T18 were PAPP-A of 0.27 and 0.33 free beta hcg. Which is pretty much spot on with their average in affected T18 pregnancies. I think it was the fact the nuchal reading was good that threw it off - I think if they took that out then the biochemical reading alone would have told them it was T18.

As the appointment wore on and I let my guard down a little, she was very nice and didn't mind all my questions, where a lot of other doctors sort of roll their eyes at me now or brush me off. I informed her of the above information and taught her how to interpret the results "Don't ever rely on their little summary at the bottom of the page that just says "low risk" or "high risk".

I was starting to feel ok about not seeing Dr P but then I heard his voice in the hallway outside the room and she rushed out to get him. I'm assuming it went something like this "There is this very pushy crazy lady in there DEMANDING to see you. Help me? Help me help me"

He came in and looked at me "Ohh yes I remember you very well. You have more names than you used to" (true I did hyphenate it with Lou's when Manny was born). He turns to the resident and proceeds to tell her about my "complicated case" and basically rehash everything I have said, verbatim, which pleased me because it showed her that I wasn't being a drama queen, the Drs I saw in the past really were incompetent, and my case really is that dramatic.

He turns to me and starts telling me how I won't be able to see him at every appointment, and that sometimes I will see a resident or another Dr, so that "everyone can learn".

It was at this point that I realised I have become the teaching case.

"What not to do with your patients."

Now most of the time, I have no issue educating people. Especially people who think they know more than me*, but honestly? It is damn tiring having to constantly rehash my entire history. Go through in detail how my son died and why the Drs should have seen it. To talk about how I was humiliated by the OB I saw at 36 weeks, days before he died, and then was born. To hear them refer to him as a "tragic incident" a "terrible thing that happened" a "sad time". To have to go through all of that, every time I have an appointment with this pregnancy, is just fucking inconsiderate.

And I think I shan't do it any more.

*(most doctors I have encountered have fit this description when it comes to my actual situation, I'm sure they have more general medical knowlege than me!!)

pancake days

2011-08-05T11:34:00.006+10:00

We started the morning with pancakes.

Then a bit of spinning "watch me, mum...watch me!"

Then some giraffe hunting "here g'ruff...heeeeeeere g'ruff!"

Sometimes this stay-at-home-parenting gig feels pretty damn awesome.

It gets better.

He grabs his plate and marches into the kitchen.
"Where are you going?"
He looks at me like I am daft and says "sink".
And yet his almost 10 year old brother simply cannot master the act of taking his plates to the sink!

I think my Bunny might well be a genius...

short and sweet

2011-08-02T18:28:00.005+10:00

Meet my little thumbsucker <3

Actual Gestational Age = 12+0

CRL = (12+2) (12+4)
BPD = (12+0)
Head Circ = (12+1)
Heart rate 169 bpm

The most emotional ultrasound experience of my life. When I went in, I was almost hyperventilating. Lying on the table, I felt like my heart might beat straight out of my chest. The whole way there I was thinking about what we would do if there was bad news. The past few days have been awful. I was convinced that there would be no heartbeat.

I lay on the table. Terrified. Then I see a little person. Then I see a heartbeat, and all of a sudden, I can breathe.

I nearly cried. I was on the verge of some serious tears. I have never even come close to crying at an ultrasound before today.

Then he started jumping around. Rolling and waving and flipping like a crazy thing. It was beautiful. The most amazing ultrasound I have ever seen! Such an active little thing.

The best news was the measurements. Above average on all counts, nuchal fold within normal range. Our little T18 boy was already nearly a week small at this stage. The measurements, and the activity...was the most reassuring thing you can imagine.

I finally feel like I can breathe again.

12 weeks. Wow.

panic

2011-08-01T13:17:00.006+10:00

The panic has set in, well and truly, over the past weekend.

My nuchal screening scan is tomorrow at 2pm. It dawned on me over the weekend that there was a chance that we would go into this scan thinking we are 12 weeks pregnant, just looking for signs of another Trisomy, but we may leave brokenhearted and empty once again. Just because I feel like crap does not mean I am still growing a little bun.

With each hour that passes I find myself doubting things more and more.

My stomach seems smaller today. It is, isn't it.

I don't feel sick today yet. Not at all. That's bad, isn't it.

I went 4 hours without eating. That means my previously ravenous appetite is gone. I'm not pregnant any more.

Does it seem a little over the top to you? Most people are just counting down the hours until they get another peek at their baby. I wish so badly I could go back to being one of those people.

We both started to worry a little on Saturday, and got the doppler out. No surprise when we could not find a heartbeat. I know (logically) that it was too early. But hearing that sound would have eased so many fears.

But just because I have historically only miscarried at 7 weeks, I can list off (too) many friends who have had losses and missed miscarriages at 12, 13, 16 weeks and so on and so on. I should be excited. But I find myself terrified. I have almost convinced myself that we are going to get bad news tomorrow.

Friday was Lou's birthday. Saturday night at the family dinner, we announced our news. We were scared and wanted to wait but knew they had all guessed anyway. It all seems awfully premature now, and I think I am catching Lou's superstition. I feel like we have gone and jinxed it now.

I think I am slowly losing my mind.

I thought this one would be less panic inducing than my last pregnancy, given we are not 3 months out from the death of our child as we were last time.

How is it worse this time around?

(almost) wordless wednesday

2011-07-27T13:08:00.006+10:00

and I am only 11 weeks. Oh my.
Apparently I may have to come out about this publicly a lot sooner than I planned to...

blergh.

2011-07-26T13:01:00.005+10:00

Ugh, I am sick. Not pregnancy-sick, but cold-sick. My very inconsiderate workmate dragged her sorry ass into work almost two weeks ago, sick as a dog. Coughed and spluttered everywhere. I was livid. Last time she did this, I ended up sick for two weeks. Manny ended up sick for two weeks.

Surely enough, within a few days, BAM. Sickness hits. I swear this is the worst cold ever. My mother insists very dramatically that I have The Flu but I'm pretty sure it's just my pregnancy making the cold ten times as miserable for me (this always seems to happen). I have been pretty much a sick, useless blob on the couch for a week and a half now! I think I am finally on the mend - I am starting to be able to taste food again (yay!) and almost have my sense of smell back. Lucky me though, the pregnancy nausea hasn't let up any. Seriously hoping for an end to that in the next few weeks (please?).

Because we are moderately insane, we are also trying to co-ordinate an extension to our house at the moment. I should have started it at least 6 months ago but it just all seemed too hard. To be honest, it still all feels too hard but we can no longer afford the payments on this house so we have to sell it. Before we can sell it though, we have to do a full reno (it was always our intention). I feel like once again we are going to end up with this spectacular house...and won't get to enjoy it at all! Oh well. I am seriously looking forward to being debt free (with a healthy bank balance) for a while when we sell :)

So there are lots of exciting developments coming up - luckily I am busy enough to keep my mind off the upcoming u/s next tuesday....most of the time....

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2011-07-21T17:12:00.008+10:00

Hello again,
You may notice some changes going on around here in the days and weeks to come. I have wanted to change the direction this blog was going for quite a while, but as anyone who has gone through infertility treatments will attest - it tends to somewhat dominate your life!

This was supposed to be a family blog, and a place to help motivate me to become a better housewife. Then the IVF crazies took hold and everything else sort of faded into the background while my brain screamed "BABYBABYBABYBABY" on repeat for a year and a half. I am hoping, with all I have in me, that that particular insanity is over for us, at least for now.

To celebrate this, I have moved the majority of the entries dealing with IVF over to a new blog, Suzy Does IVF. I'm hoping that I can write the closing chapter of that blog in a week and a half after our Nuchal Screening, and hibernate that part of my life, (at least for a year or so!)

This blog will (hopefully) now be able to turn back to what I had originally envisioned. I have a very talented friend working on a new blog design (yay!) and I look forward to filling this space with all kinds of goodies in the months to come.

I feel like I have really let myself down by failing to mention my crazy kids who actually walk this earth with me, focussing so hard on documenting all my little lost loves. I have a hysterically funny, emotional and intelligent 2 year old and an extremely challenging 9 year old, who amazingly have escaped almost completely from being immortalised in this Mama's blog. For shame.

I am still terrified every day that something will go wrong here. That just because we are past the point that *I* miscarry, does not mean I am home free. The possibility of stillbirth is never far from my mind. Nor is the fact that we have gambled with my genetics again, and we may face another terminal diagnosis. I am choosing to hope at this point.

For those of you following along at home:

Hurdle #1 - BFP (10dpo extremely faint - 12dpo strong line)
Hurdle #2 - Beta (16dpo - Beta HCG 330)
Hurdle #3 - Ultrasound (6+2 weeks) - measured 5w5d
Hurdle #4 - Usual miscarriage point (7 weeks) - passed!
First Appointment (8 weeks) - u/s with hb and CRL of 7+6
Hurdle #5 - Nuchal screening to check if baby has trisomies (12 weeks) - 2nd August
Hurdle #6 - Anomaly scan - check for trisomy markers (18 weeks)
Hurdle #7 - Viability! (24 weeks)
Hurdle #8 - Make it to 36 weeks without losing my mind/the baby.

Ten Weeks

2011-07-19T19:40:00.007+10:00

I have come back so many times to try and write an entry, and just haven't been able to.

As of today, I am ten weeks pregnant.

Just typing that scares me. It scares me that it could still end at any moment. It scares me so much that I think I am still in some kind of protect-my-heart-denial.

The same denial that I wrapped myself up in each time I was pregnant, and each time I miscarried. The same denial that prevented me from falling apart each time I lost another precious little baby. I just took it all in my stride. I was so tough.

I wasn't tough. I wasn't a "trooper". I was in denial. I still am. He has graduated to Fetus stage. He looks like a real baby now. But I still can't quite wrap my head around it.

I had a bunch of things that I wanted to do to celebrate, to commemorate this pregnancy. Photo series', collecting pieces of fabric each week to put together to make a little baby quilt for the baby...but I haven't been able to bring myself to it. I just can't.

And every day that goes by reminds me that I am letting all this pass me by, too afraid to feel anything.

Except nausea.

I feel that 24 hours a day.

crisis/crises/crazies

2011-07-12T17:29:00.006+10:00

I think I'm having another identity crisis. Or maybe it's more of an existential crisis. I can never be sure. I go through these periodically. Who am I? Why am I here? WTF is the point of my life?

To be honest with you, I started having existential crises at 6 years old (no, I'm not kidding). It used to keep me awake at night. What is the meaning of life and why are we here? What is the point of anything we do?

All questions I've never been able to answer.

The creation of self, the identity I have created for myself, where did that come from? How did I become the person I am right now, and if I'm not happy with the way I am, should I mould myself a somewhat new identity? How far can I actually change who I am, and how much of it is innate?

Woah, right?

I think I've been spending too much time lying around recently (due to the fact that standing = migraine, nausea and almost passing out). I think I might need to get out of the house and back into the real world...

all is well...

2011-07-10T12:30:00.003+10:00

Sorry to keep you hanging, I started this days ago and just didn't get around to finishing it. To be perfectly honest, using blogger on my iPad is c-r-a-p and just takes too long and it's hard for my ADD self to do.

Short version: Tuesday's appointment went well, dr says u/s showed heartbeat and CRL of 1.59cm exactly matching dates.

Long version is sooooo much longer. It was an EPIC appointment. For a start they left me waiting over an hour. Pretty normal for a public patient, but as I am part of the medical team, it's always under 20 minutes. I had no other plans for the day though and Manny slept the ENTIRE time so I was in no real hurry.

Eventually, after the entire waiting room had been called in and left, a young guy calls me back. Oh great. I think to myself. I get a resident.

But no. It's a student. Of course it is. So he starts filling out my new record. Has NO IDEA what he is doing so he copies out the one from last time *headdesk* seriously. Eventually reaches the point where he admits he has no idea what to do next, and calls the Dr in.

Turns out Dr A****** is not a woman, but an Old Dude. I have no problem with Old Dudes, my regular OB is one :) The first thing he says is "so, you're 8 weeks?" I nod. "Err, why are you here?" I had to explain that I simply asked for an appointment earlier than 11 weeks and this is what they booked me. He shrugged and said "Ok then".

He seems to at least know what he's doing...but the first thing he does to put me offside is disagree with my due date. "No, see you add 7 days to the LMP and subtract 2 months". This changes my EDD by three days and I am not a happy camper. I want to say "sure Old Dude, back in the 1940s thats how they did it but they have these newfangled things called computers which is how the student came up with the (correct) date."

Decided not to bother. Will bring it up with Dr P*** if I manage to see him.

Tell him of the pain in my right side. Do not confess that I have already had a scan. So he does a quick exam and an even quicker u/s where he points out the hb (which I pretty much couldnt see but trust his judgement) and prints out a photo which I cant make heads nor tails of, and declares all is well, dates are right, and there is a cyst on my right side which won't be a problem at all and will resolve itself. Doesn't bother to measure it. Says it could be very painful if it bursts. Oh goody, something to look forward to.

He books my nuchal screening for 4 weeks time. The first thing he did to make me smile was say to the receptionist as he booked it "can I get a nuchal for this high risk lady please"

HUZZAH! A Dr that agrees I am high risk!! I was always told through Manny's pregnancy that despite the stillbirth and increased risk of trisomy due to the double aneuploidy, that I wasn't high risk. And yet here, now, I am officially high risk :) (If you're wondering why this is a good thing, it means all the tests and all the scans we could ever ask for, and then some, are all covered through our public system)

He asked at the end "Is there a reason you would like to see Dr P***?" I replied that I would like that very much if possible, and he said "No problem" putting me down for an appt with him a week after the nuchal, to get all the results.

The only downside out of the appointment was the news of my blood pressure, which was 90/60. No wonder I've been nearly passing out every time I stand up!

So there you go.

I feel 100% like crap 100% of the time, I've never been so tired in my life and this pregnancy is kicking my ASS daily.

I hope it continues......

on feeling mediocre

2011-07-04T11:10:00.001+10:00

I feel lost, and in a rut. The weekend saw another of my birthdays come and go, and all I can feel is that yet another year has passed me by with no change, just with me going through the motions.

I haven't achieved anything, haven't changed any of the things I wanted to over the last year. I still have no passion, no drive, no real focus. Every day is the same. Work, home, chores, tv, bed.

It's just. so. normal. It's so mundane. I need something bright, something interesting to focus on. I tried the photography thing. But my poor little ego is too fragile and I take things too personally. And I am moderately obsessive. And a total perfectionist. No photo is ever right, ever the way it's 'supposed to be'. So I spend hours obsessing over every edit. Then days obsessing when I finally send out the photos - when the person doesn't contact me straight away all I can think is "they hate them! They're disappointed and they think I'm crap. I am crap. I should never do this again".

So the photography thing didn't really work out....

I have to keep telling myself that the fact that just about everyone in the blogosphere is writing a book, or starting a business, or making a fortune off their blogs - does not mean that I have to. Plenty of people lead perfectly monotonous lives and are perfectly content with them.

Why aren't I?

I haven't been focussing on anything in particular lately. I haven't been working on our renovations, I haven't had any sort of project on the go. I think that contributes to my general feeling of melancholy and rut-ness. I get this way periodically. I think also that spending so long actively trying to conceive has taken its toll. We have quite literally spent the better part of a year and a half undergoing fertility treatments one after the other after the other, pausing only each time I conceived, and starting again straight after each miscarriage. The only time we truly paused was when we went on our spur of the moment trip across the planet. And now, here I sit, possibly hopefully done with them for at least (please god) a year or so - and it feels like we have dedicated so much to the process, forgetting everything else.

It feels like waking up from a very long, tedious, boring nightmare to be honest with you.

Proving once again...

2011-06-29T15:07:00.001+10:00

...that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, my appointment went from 5 weeks with a midwife to 6 days with the new head OB of the unit!

At the end of the saga yesterday, they said they would have a midwife call me back as they are the only ones who can override the standard for 11 week appts.

When the midwife rang me (today) she had obviously already spoken to Dr P*** and had (shock horror) read my file! Can you believe it? She said Dr P*** want me on a mega dose of folic acid due to my "history", and that she would try and get me an earlier appointment.

The follow up phone call confirmed an appointment next Tuesday with Dr A****** - "the new head of the unit".

Cue my jaw hitting the floor.

Aaaaand I do wonder whether there is a fluorescent label on my (very thick) file now saying "Danger! Danger! Treat with extreme caution!" I have requested my file before and photocopied sections after my 3lb baby was stillborn days after the Drs telling me he was a "good size and fine" and refused the scan I was requesting...

Wouldn't be surprised.....

Fighting the system

2011-06-28T14:23:00.003+10:00

What can i say today?
I am still here, and I think still pregnant.
I wouldn't know though, as I havent seen hide nor hair of a Dr in weeks. Meh. At this point I figure that if something is going to go wrong, at this stage there is nothing I can do about it. I wouldn't mind seeing a Dr though as I am in pain pretty much constantly at this point - I can't tell whether its my uterus or my stomach (I think it switches between both) but it's cramping like heck all day long, and it hurts.

But I've been putting off calling the hospital for my first OB appt, not sure why.

{EDIT} ok now I know why. Decided while writing about it that I may as well just do it. *sigh* enter my first of many fights with the public system. Just spent half an hour being transferred from one section to another to another, getting hung up on TWICE, calling multiple people, all to eventually be told "OK we have an appointment for you on July 28th"

*blink*

WTF? No, I will not wait 5 weeks for an appointment.

At that point she got shitty with me. So I said fine. Book the appointment. Now put me through to D***, your supervisor.
HA!
Then she was nice, wasn't she?
Team Leader comes on the line again "why do you think you need to see Dr P*** for your first appointment instead of the midwives? (which is standard here for the 1st appt)"
Me "I don't, all I'm saying is I am not waiting 5 weeks for an appointment. I have complicated pregnancies, multiple miscarriages and a full term stillbirth (which was not detected by anyone there...hence why the head of OB was my personal Dr last time, and hence why I want him again!)"

Eventually the end of the story is that she will have one of the miwives ring me and see if they can override it.

No wonder people pay thousands to go private.

Hurdles

2011-06-23T21:55:00.000+10:00

Well I had my ultrasound this morning, and I'd love to say I am giddy with excitement, but I'm just not.

I was terrified from the moment I woke up this morning. Luckily Lou managed to take an hour off to come with me and we went first thing in the morning.

First thing off the bat was the "wow you have a gigantic cyst on your right ovary" which told me that I probably did not release both of the two perfect follicles that I thought I did. Then she found one gestational sac, with yolk sac and heartbeat.

Yay, right?

I'm really not sure why I wasn't excited by this.

I don't know what she was doing differently, it's the same machine I've had lots of scans on, but everything was really grainy and unclear. I've seen my share of early ultrasounds and what I saw looked nothing like a baby at 6+ weeks.

The largest she could get it to measure was 5w5d and that was on about her 15th attempt.

So I left, not really knowing what to think. Lou was buoyant, thrilled at a heartbeat. She couldn't understand why I wasn't.

I left, completely detached from even the idea of this pregnancy, and that's pretty much where I am now. I guess now I just wait and see what happens. If it all ends next week as it normally does, I will not be surprised.

counting chickens

2011-06-14T11:39:00.005+10:00

Brrr it is so cold here right now. I'm under a blanket in front of the heater and I'm still cold!!

Things seem to still be ticking along well *touch wood* no bleeding so I'm ahead of last time at least. Things still feel like they are different this time - Lou agrees, and so does my soul sister...but we all know that could mean everything or it could mean nothing.

Just recovering now from the long weekend we had (thanks Queenie) with a busy day on Sunday and a renovating day on Monday. I'm starting to feel so overwhelmed with how much needs to be done to this house before we put it on the market! Of course this ends up with me doing absolutely nothing because I dont know which of the 10,000 things to do first!

I was packing up all of Manny's little baby things into crates to store, and was thinking "Oh I really hope we have a house with a nursery by the time I need any of this again" then I realised...that might be only 6 months from now :-o! I am certainly not counting my chickens, but every now and then it hits me that this might actually be it....

I still have the hpt next to my bed. I still pull it out and stare at it at least twice a day with a stupid grin on my face.

That's wierd, right?

Chicken Image from digitalproductionme.com

something feels different

2011-06-10T13:11:00.004+10:00

and I'm not sure why. I don't know whether it's because the last miscarriage was a while ago now, because we're not dealing with the increased risk of miscarriage that comes with IVF anyway, because we know I have succesfully conceived and carried two genetically healthy babies before or what it is, but we both feel like this one is different.

I really hope our feelings are on the money because I know we will both be even more heartbroken (if that's possible) if this ends badly. Lou has literally, and I mean literally had her fingers crossed since I flew out two weeks ago. It makes her look very awkward. But she refuses to uncross them. I never realised just how superstitious she is!

It feels different physically too. Every other pregnancy for me has started with very, very early nausea (before even testing). None this time round, all I am is extremely hungry and extremely tired. Who knows what this means, if anything!

All I know is that we are praying with everything in us that this is it.

{EDIT}

Just got my first beta back - 330 :)

Was hoping for super off the charts high but its higher than the miscarriages were so fingers are still crossed! I'm guessing about two weeks till first scan.

Hurdle #1 - BFP (10dpo extremely faint - 12dpo strong line)
Hurdle #2 - Beta (16dpo - Beta HCG 330)
Hurdle #3 - Ultrasound (6 weeks)
Hurdle #4 - Usual miscarriage point (7 weeks)
Hurdle #5 - Nuchal screening to check if baby has trisomies (12 weeks)
Hurdle #6 - Anomaly scan - check for trisomy markers (18 weeks)
Hurdle #7 - Make it to 36 weeks without losing my mind/the baby.

thanks...but..

2011-06-07T19:59:00.014+10:00

Thanks for the congratulations lovelies. We are choosing to believe that it is possible that this will end with a baby, but we also have so many more hurdles to pass first.

For most people,

=

For us, a + does not = baby.

For us,

=

and

A whole lot of waiting and hurdles to overcome repeated ad nauseum.

Hurdle #1 - BFP (achieved. Yay!)
Hurdle #2 - Beta (Friday)
Hurdle #3 - Ultrasound (6 weeks)
Hurdle #4 - Usual miscarriage point (7 weeks)
Hurdle #5 - Nuchal screening to check if baby has trisomies (12 weeks)
Hurdle #6 - Anomaly scan - check for trisomy markers (18 weeks)
Hurdle #7 - Make it to 36 weeks without losing my mind/the baby.

So, if you know me irl - secret squirrel, k?

We will likely announce it after hurdle #5 if we make it that far. I don't feel the need to hide it as far as I did with Manny (26 weeks!) but we certainly aren't counting our chickens yet.

Question of the Day

2011-06-06T11:49:00.001+10:00

How long do you suppose is normal to spend staring at two small pink lines?

So far I've spent about three hours.

saving my life in small ways

2011-06-03T20:33:00.005+10:00

Today was not a good day.

It started much like any other. Then I received phone call after phone call from my office.
Cue hours of frantic online work to resolve problems (on my day off mind you). Of course my internet connection chose that time to crap out and die on me. AND of course I dropped my laptop off at a repairer just yesterday so I had to use the desktop - meaning no moving around to try and get better connection (I use mobile internet).

Like always I tried not to let it bother me...ran off to get Rocket from school and figured I would go to the mall to the shopfront of my ISP and check whether my contract expired yet (I assumed it had) and I was going to change to another provider, get myself back online, STAT.

But of course I am NOT out of contract (6 months to go!?!), but have I tried to call "customer care"? Of course not you fool, if I dont have coverage through your shitty *cough*vodafone*cough* network, how are customer "care" going to help?

But being the obedient little thing I am, I call them. Promptly get through to a, lets say, non-Australian call centre (you all know where this is going). I could barely understand every second word, but caught the gist of it as "you called the wrong part of the centre I will transfer you". I said "ok please transfer me" but the person just kept. on. saying. "I need to transfer you"
me "yes, do it"
him "I need to transfer you because you need tech support"
me "so transfer me already"
him "because you have come through to account service I need transfer you"
me "FFS dude TRANSFER ME ALREADY"
him "okay please hold"

I am not a patient person.

I was irritated enough by this point.

Then I had another person I couldn't understand, who got increasingly pissy at me when I would say "I do not understand you. Please slow down and speak clearly" eventually she did slow down, I still couldn't understand her.

Eventually I get it. Apparently the modem they sent me was the wrong one for my area. Do I still have my old one? Oh you mean the one you told me to dispose of? Um no actually!

After twenty infuriating and pointless minutes, I hung up. Frustrated as all get out.

Had to go to the grocery store. Oh joy that should improve my mood *sarcasm*. Wait, I know, I'll call into the pharmacy and pick up another box of HPTs (seeing as I wasted my last one on this morning's 9dpi obvious BFN result...)

Sold out.

Say what?

Oh of course because I live in an area where girls "fall" at the drop of a hat I suppose they go through them like nobody's business. Am thinking pretty nasty thoughts at this point. Why even bother, it's going to be negative anyway. Doom doom gloom etc.

So I stomp into the grocery store. Glance at the magazine rack. First cover I see? Ben Cousins is having a baby. Second cover? Miracle Quins (born to a lesbian couple after IUI) headline?"It's a piece of cake!" The straw that broke the camels back. I'm pretty sure if I were in a cartoon steam would be pouring out my ears and my head would possibly have spun off its axis.

You know what happened then?

A song came on the radio and was blasted through the store. I couldn't believe it. What was it?

Eye of the Motherfucking Tiger, yo.

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. Bad mood over. Thank God for you, Becky Sherrick Harks. Blogging saves my life in small ways every day, I swear it.

Painting by Lucie Bilodeau

Right Where I Am: Three Years, Three Months

2011-05-31T10:59:00.004+10:00

This post is in response to Angie's project, Right Where I Am. I apologise for the rambled stream of consciousness that follows...the truth is I dont really know how I feel 3 years out from the best and worst period of my life.

Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. Most of the time it feels like it happened to someone else. All of the time I feel like I am a different person to before.

My life now is divided into two parts. Before and After. The truth is, I can barely remember what life was like before. What was it like to live life in ignorant bliss? What was it like to not know how it felt to bury your child?

And recently all I have been thinking is: if Star had never died, Manny would never have lived. My baby's death is so closely linked with my other baby's life, the two can never be separated. This thought has been going around in my head for over a week now. The greatest joy in my life, could not have existed without the greatest sadness in my life. It hurts my brain just to think about it.

I do remember the early days. I have written about them before. About how liberating it was, the freedom to grieve openly. The freedom to hole myself up in my home and ignore the world. The freedom to lie on the floor and scream and sob at the top of my lungs regardless of who might hear me. I miss being able to be so raw - so openly bereaved.

As time marched on, and particularly after Manny's birth, the expectation was that everything was "better" now. I remember 8 months out, on the 27th of the month, my mother asked me what was wrong. I told her the 27th is a hard day for me. Her response was "what, every month!?!" I was dumbfounded. My own mother expected I should be "over it" after only 8 months.

Now, over three years out, I cry less. I think of him frequently, but I do not cry. I talk about him all the time, but I do not cry. I pull out his photos and stare at him, but I do not cry.

Some nights, late at night when everyone else is in bed, I think of him and cry. But the tears are no longer racking my body with sobs. They are silent tears that simply fall from my eyes of their own accord and soak my pillow.

Three years out, my eldest has weaved his baby brother into the fabric of his life. Every now and then he mentions his name in passing...and it reminds me. He was here. He left his footprint on this earth. He wasn't just a part of me, he is a part of our family.

We do not cry for him anymore. But we love him with every beat of our hearts.

Seriously??

2011-05-09T20:25:00.005+10:00

Today can go die in a hole.

Aside from the absolute shittiness already reported (see below), we got home to find a little kitty that I've seen in our backyard a few times, crying in the bushes. I grabbed a towel and picked him up in case he bit me - it was dark and I couldn't see what was wrong with him to start. I took him into the light, and saw his tail was stripped down to the skin and bone, and got scared and stopped looking. We rushed him to the vet (who luckily is open until 7pm) and there I saw the extent of the damage, one of his legs was just exposed bone and he was not in good shape. As he was a stray without a microchip, and he was in so much pain, the most humane thing was to have him put to sleep. I watched them take him down the back and walked out on the verge of sobbing, simply holding myself together for the boys.

Only to get into the car for MIL to tell us that her cancer is back, and it has spread.

Seriously, today can fuck off.

(and I can't even go cry in bed because MIL is still here being all perky and rah!rah!fightthecancer! so I have to pretend to be an optimist when we know I am NOT, instead of curling up and pretend today never happened)

public service announcement

2011-04-18T12:00:00.001+10:00

Interrupting your regular schedule of emo moaning here for an important public service announcement: You can now join me on Facebook here and you will enjoy 80% MORE mindless drivel as it occurs to me. Oh joy! Oh happy day! Come on you know you want to :)

Those of you lucky, lucky peeps who are already fortunate enough to be FB friends with me may experience some repeated posts but I will try to think of brand new tales to regale you with (such previous gems include "it's a 3 Snickers bars kind of day" and "convinced my 2 year old is an evil genius. And is possibly plotting my demise")

Dreamers vs Do-ers

2011-04-18T11:38:00.000+10:00

Are you a dreamer or a do-er?

I am 100% positively a dreamer. I enjoy sitting back and thinking about all the wonderful things I want to do. I spend hours, hundreds of hours, mentally rearranging my house. If I got off my ass and actually rearranged my house, it would be done a lot sooner.

I think a lot of it comes down to my insane perfectionism. I rarely get things just the way I want them to be. I am rarely truly pleased with the outcome of something I do, or create. It's something I NEED to get over, and fast, because nothing is getting done.

Creating my day zero list has helped. A lot. I have always enjoyed ticking things off lists (hence why I have a filofax simply stuffed with lists) But this is more than a "buy toilet paper/call builder" kind of list (rest assured there are hundreds of those unfinished lists floating around). This is my life list.

These are the things I have in my mind that I want to do, want to achieve, and havng them there to remind me all the time to do something about them has helped...a lot.

Are you a dreamer like me? Or are you a get-in-there-and-do-it kind of gal?

If you are the latter...please...any tips you can offer are greatly appreciated

Easter Therapy

2011-04-15T11:37:00.005+10:00

Yesterday I went shopping, and ended up having an impromptu therapy session.

I was going to a department store to look for long sleeves for Manny as the weather is starting to get colder. I wandered into the Easter section to grab a couple of chocolates for Rocket. I figured that like usual I would just grab a chocolate egg and a small toy. Easter hasn't been fun for me for awhile now. As I am the one in the house who arranges all the parties, holidays, gifts etc, if I'm not into it, it doesn't happen.

Last year I tried. I did the Easter hunt thing, which took no effort really, but I really used to enjoy all the Easter palaver.

But then yesterday I stood there in the Easter section and looked around. And found something cute. A ceramic egg decorating kit for small kids. "My Rocket loves craft" I thought, so I picked it up. Then I spotted the coloured rabbit ears. Since he was wee, we've always called Manny 'Bunny' (yes he is the baby of a thousand names). "How cute would Bunny look in these ears?" I thought, so I picked them up.

Before I knew it I had filled a basket. Lovely baskets ready for the boys to decorate, and some pretty chocolate lollipops, little wooden baby chicks to paint, easter paper chains to make, soft bendable bunny ears to wear, little fluffy chicks in nests.

And then I was off to another craft store.

To look for Easter decorations.

I think this year might be different.

I think tomorrow I might even bake some hot cross buns.

Easter makes me cry

2011-04-12T23:43:00.005+10:00

Easter was always one of my favourite holidays. Are you kidding me? 4 days holiday plus all the chocolate you can stomach (and then some) - my kind of holiday.

But for the last few years it's been a different story.

The year my Star was born, Easter fell on 23 March - just a little over three weeks after his birth. In the weeks following his dearth, we barely left the house. I didnt eat for a week, and when I did start, it took weeks before I could eat more than a bite at a time. What I do remember is FUIC and hot cross buns. It was what we survived on. It was our comfort food.

The Easter weekend I was convinced to leave the house, to go on our usual vacation. I cried almost the whole weekend. I could barely force myself to interact with Rocket, or set out his gifts. It was probably also the time I had the last good conversation with my ESIL. It was hard. The whole holiday sucked.

Ever since, Easter has been hard. Harder than any other holiday. The closer it falls to his birthday, the harder it hits me. Even without getting into the rebirth/resurrection/"this is a time for new life" theme of the season, it's hard.

This year, with Easter being right at the end of April, it's strange. The timeline has shifted a full month. But when I smell hot cross buns, I am still taken back to that time. I am still in our old house curled up on a mattress on the lounge room floor, numb half the time, howling in pain the other 50% of the time.

I wonder whether I will ever truly enjoy Easter again?

motivation...or rather, lack thereof

2011-04-07T14:38:00.001+10:00

Do you ever have trouble motivating yourself to get off the couch, put the laptop down and turn off the tv? I sure do. There are lots of things I would like to be doing...that I want to do, but I find myself stuck back in the same damn rut I was in before I left. Time to get my ass UP and GOING.

To help keep myself on track and make myself accountable, I've signed up on Day Zero and made me a LIST. Is there anything you can think of that I should add? I'm totally open to suggestions of ways to brighten things up and get creative with my life, I am ready to get my life going again after being so stuck in the babymaking circus and putting off so many things for so many years.

development

2011-04-04T13:07:00.004+10:00

Got little man's "development summary" from his daycare centre today.

Was pretty amused by the summary on the front page where they describe what a delight he is, and follow it up with "At times he can assert his rights a little over zealously and we have to encourage his gentler side"

I seriously think whoever wrote this needs to go into politics! Left to me it would read "At times he is a giant brute who will steamroller anyone who gets between him and the object of his desire." Pretty funny, and fairly accurate I would say.

But then you come to the ILP (Individual Learning Plan) where they describe the psychosocial key learning area - where he will learn to empathise and show caring towards others, and the evaluation reads "Manny has been away for 3 weeks and come back, he still is not caring with friends"

This about broke my heart. He is such a loving boy! Sure, he will crack a wobbly if anyone tries to play with something he already has, but toddlers don't understand sharing! It pains me to think that his carers don't feel he is caring with his friends. You should see him with babies - so gentle. Poor wee mite. Methinks they are expecting too much of a 2 year old (just quietly).

Have you ever been shocked by something on a development summary about your little 'un? Do share.

cosmic jokes and blogging

2011-04-03T01:06:00.002+11:00

I remember when I first came across this thing called a "weblog". Actually the first ones I came across were "online diaries". I was fascinated.

Writing out your thoughts and having people comment on them? Sounded wonderful to an 18 year old sitting at home alone heavily pregnant with no support system, no family, and friends who were still caught up in this thing called "youth".

It's hard to believe that was nearly a decade ago. It's amazing to think that I still talk to the people I met in my first online incarnation, that we are still friends, without ever having met in the "real world".

In the time I've known them we've had babies, got married, got divorced, been through adoptions, stillbirths, miscarriages, deaths, kids with issues, cheating husbands, and just about any other life experience you can imagine.

The internet is such a powerful creature (for good and for evil).

Blogging has enriched my life in so many ways, and carried me through the greatest heartbreaks. It led me to some people who I now regard as some of the closest friends I have.

It's amazing the way blogging has changed over time. It's amazing to me that so many people have blogs now (where we bloggers were once regarded as somewhat strange)(okay most people still regard me as somewhat strange) and that so many people are making a living from them (who knew that was possible? Thanks Dooce)

I have longed to go to BlogHer for a few years now. But being all the way over on this darn island makes it somewhat more challenging. I wished there was such a thing as an Australian blogging conference.

Guess what, there was!

Guess where I was? In the damn USA!

Definition of irony?

I've wanted to take this blog in a hundred different directions over the past year. But then IVF took hold of me and took over my life (and by extension of me - this blog). As there is no prospect of that ever happening again, it's time to move on. Onwards and upwards as they say. Now is the time to make some changes.

I wish I could have been at this "conference" they speak of, but alas, my life being the cosmic joke it is, I wasn't. Anyone care to clue me in on what I missed?

home at last

2011-03-25T21:07:00.002+11:00

oh it was almost one of those "kiss the ground" moments when we finally touched down in our home town this morning!

It was a good holiday but oh my it was hard work. Hard Work. If it was just the toddler, or just the 9 year old, perhaps it would have been ok. But both of them? Whew! It reinforced for me that I am certainly not cut out to homeschool as I do not have the patience! I think we survived really well though, for living in each others pockets 24/7 for the last 3 weeks.

On the upside we went a full three weeks with no phone and no watch, virtually completely apart from our regular lives and it was a great break, time to really think about some changes we want to make in our lives and re-establish our family.

I should be sleeping now but I just feel wacky which is making it hard. I really should though as I have a wedding tomorrow that I have to do bridesmaids hair for so I have to at least try and get over this jetlag nonsense!

Just wanted to pop by and say hey, I'm baaaaack ;)

Holiday!

2011-03-18T15:43:00.003+11:00

Hello there, it's been awhile, hasn't it?

So here we are, in New York City :)

We're almost two weeks into the trip and so far we've had a gastro bug go through the whole family making us all sick as dogs for a couple of days, our entire trip to San Francisco rained out (so bad that we couldn't even SEE the Golden Gate Bridge when we were parked next to it!) and a hotel employee stalking us because we made a complaint about him!

But...we also got to spend amazing days with my soul sister and her beautiful family, we got to see the bright lights of Las Vegas, and we got to watch the NYC St Patricks Day parade today. Despite the hideous setbacks, its been pretty good, and hopefully will only get better! We end in Disneyland so hopefully we end on a high :)

I look forward to catching up on everyone's blogs when we get home..

Until then,

love and kisses from the big apple!

Wordless Wednesday - New Ink

2011-03-02T00:17:00.004+11:00

Three sessions, seven and a half hours, and one very talented artist friend produced THIS:

The green bird represents my Rocket; the red, Manny; and the little orange one sleeping in the nest is my little star xxx

ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

2011-02-24T14:03:00.003+11:00

The funeral was this morning. It was standing room only. So many people there to say goodbye.

Too soon. It was too fucking soon.
You always think you have more time, but you just don't.
I had ten years to tell G what I thought. To tell him I thought he was amazing.
I don't think I ever really did.

Do me a favour. Send an email, a text message, a phone call, or go visit every single friend you have. Tell them how special they are. Tell them what you love about them. Tell them if they need someone, to call you. Never turn someone down if they try to talk to you. Never walk away. Never think they'll be okay, because what if they aren't? What if that's the last time you see them?

I remember the night I met you G. We were about 17 years old. That smile. That smile stays with me. I loved your crooked little smile. I only ever understood half of what you said - my eyes glazed over every time you and the boys started talking pure mathematics and programming.

I wish I remembered the last time I saw you. I wish I had known. I wish I'd taken the time to talk more with you. I wish I had pulled myself out of my own little world and paid more attention.

How often do we really look at our friends? How often do you look them in the eye and say "You, my darling, are a precious gift to this world. If you died I would be heartbroken".

I don't think I loved you enough. I hope that somehow you can see us all down here, tears rolling down our cheeks howling at how unfair it is that such a bright spark should be taken from the world. The world is a darker, poorer place without you in it. I hope you know we all loved you so, so much.

some days I forget...and then I remember.

2011-02-21T01:23:00.002+11:00

Most days, you would never know that my child died.
Most people, probably forget that my child died.

I don't walk around crying. I don't talk about him much. I do bring him up in conversation, but not all the time. I don't even carry my grief around with me like a security blanket anymore. It is tucked into a white box under my bed with some of my momentos of him. Every now and then I pull it out, I pull him out, I pull my grief out, and I cry. I cry, and cry and remember him. Remember how I ached for him, how I wailed for him.

But most days, most days I am not a bereaved mother. I am, but you wouldn't know it.

Some days however - like tonight - the realisation of what happened weighs me down like a thousand pound weight on my chest. And I remember. My son died. My baby died. My beautiful 3 pound 7 ounce boy died, and then he was born, and then he was buried. And we were left here on earth to muddle through the rest of our lives without him.

On Sunday, one week from today, he will turn three.

There will be no birthday cake, no balloons. No party with friends and family. No trucks to unwrap, no new books as gifts. There will be no games, no laughter.

There will be tears, and memories of love and loss. There will be pain. And more tears.

this is why we fight.

2011-02-16T12:36:00.004+11:00

On Monday I reported to you that I had made a complaint to the authorities regarding what was published in that "family" magazine. I commented that we are fighting like hell to keep our gay youth ALIVE and that kind of bullshit is responsible for letting our youth down, making them feel less than another person. Less worthy of love, less worthy of a family.

And the very next day a beautiful young friend of mine, a friend for almost ten years, a friend who was finally transitioning from female to the male he truly always has been, took his own life.

A truly bright and wonderful soul has been taken from us and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You are NOT LESS THAN ANOTHER PERSON. You are worthy of love, you are worthy of passion, you are worthy of a family and a good life.

If you are reading this, join the fight against discrimination against and hatred of the GLBTIQ community. Because I want my dear G to be the last to lose this fight. I do not want another single death recorded. You can stand up and be counted.

This is why it is so important to join the fight for equal rights. Granting things like gay marriage IS important. Not necessarily because all gays want to marry (I am sure G never would have bought into a traditional convention like that!) but because it says "We are equal. We are just as deserving of a loving commitment as you are". And the louder we say that, the more voices that join us, the more able we are to drown out those who seek to put us down.

The louder we are, the more those vulnerable members of our community can hear us, can be heard, can live strong.

G - may you find the peace in death that you never found in life. Rest in peace dear heart.

starting a war...

2011-02-14T13:15:00.003+11:00

Oops I may have started a fa.ce.bo.ok war...

It all started when two of my friends were featured in a local family magazine for a story on two mum families. It was a bit nerve wracking because despite their request not to include full names, their full names, and the full name of their son was included all over the article.

The next issue the editor included a particularly nasty letter from someone ranting and raving about how perverted same sex families are. She (the editor) wrote a lovely letter about how all families are equal in their eyes and that beauty is in difference. I lent the magazine my full public support in how they handled it.

The issue obviously hit a few buttons as a number of letters were posted in the months that followed (mostly positive). We thought the whole debacle was over, until I picked up the most recent issue and saw an entire page of "letters" spewing vitriolic hatred towards all same sex families. Without going into specifics, some particular gems included that same sex families are "assaulting the children's rights to a mother and a father" and that we are committing an "abuse of Human Rights under the Geneva convention" (??) and all sorts of other loveliness.

I felt absolutely sick.

So I commented to the editor on her FB that I was disappointed that she had chosen to endorse hate speech and discrimination. That she was endorsing their point of view and putting all our children at risk by doing so. That she was encouraging hatred.

She replied (days later) that she prints a cross section of letters, and that she cant ignore the other side of the argument.

WHAT ARGUMENT? There should BE no other side.

If I chose to write in and say "blacks shouldn't be allowed to have children", do you know how much trouble I would land in? What's the difference?

If I said that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children, they never would publish it.

NO ONE can tell anyone else who can, or who can not have children.

End. Of. Story.

The comments have been going back and forth for hours between her and I. I wanted to walk away but I just CAN'T.

My most recent (and hopefully final) comment was this:
If you stand by your decision to publish letters that endorse discrimination and hatred that is your decision, you are the editor, that is your choice.

(and I have lodged a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission in my state and am encouraging everyone I know to do the same)

Her response could be interesting.

catching up...

2011-02-13T16:33:00.003+11:00

Oh my gosh I've got so much to write about, I wish that I kept up better with my blogging - I think about things at silly times and when I sit down with time to blog - I forget what I was about to write!

My fledgling photography career is over (by choice) as I hated the pressure of having to perform, and being stuck to deadlines. Deadlines + me = major stress! I mean the shoots went well (except for the one that nearly gave me a nervous breakdown!!) but it was just all too much. Maybe one day when I don't have a hundred other things going on and can focus solely on it I may try again. For now I'll just stick to taking hundreds of photos of my family :)

The investment house hits the rental market this week (as our agent was on vacation all last week, or it would already be gone!) and the house is slowly slowly coming along.

Since we decided to go on holiday instead of working our asses off, our new deadline is August to have it completed. I'm not happy about having to wait but hey, I'd rather have a fun holiday instead!

Planning for that has taken over all my time at the moment - goo.gling hotels, flights, things to see - it's exciting but a little stressful as I am more at home in Europe, I know nothing of the US. I'm always worried that I'll pick the wrong hotel, or the wrong airline, and ruin everything, so I've been spending hours on trip advisor sites (so any recommendations welcome (or any horror stories - I need to know what to avoid!))

almost perfect

2011-02-11T16:55:00.005+11:00

It's been one of those strange days, where at times it feels like the perfect day, and at others I feel strangely disconnected from the world (hi, welcome to my mental illness)

It started, really, with a VERY stressful day yesterday. It was one of those days where everything seems too overwhelming and every little thing that goes wrong can set you off. From the look of my FB though, the feeling was doing the rounds through all my friends too. The day ended with me being BEYOND frustrated at trying to get the kids passports sorted. I made an appt at the passport office in the morning and decided to take a train into the city. I decided not having to drive in and park would lower the stress level. I was mostly right :)

This morning was pretty chilled, as they have been lately, because Manny has decided to start sleeping in (yay!) Made it to the train in plenty of time (even though I didn't have time to get my morning iced coffee).

Train into the city was fun. Manny LOVES the train so he was pointing out the window and laughing, but given his inability to stay still, was also wiggling all over the place and jumping from seat to seat. Cute, but giving me nightmarish visions of what he is going to be like on a thirteen hour flight in just a few short weeks. I'm trying not to think about it too much (and googling if there is such a thing as baby x.an.ax)

When we got into the city it was pouring with rain. I had him in the wrap so he was nice and dry but I had to do the mad dash up the street. Ducked into McD's to avoid the buckets of rain and got a nice hot breakfast :)

When the rain slowed, we did another mad dash into the passport office. Aside from the chip in my credit card not working, everything went just fine! (such a change for us)

When we finally exited, the heavens had opened. If I thought it was pouring rain before, I was wrong. By this point it was torrential! Nothing for it, had to get back to the station. As luck would have it, a lovely lady (who looked like a supermodel) had a gigantic umbrella and invited us to hop under it with her. She walked us all the way to the underpass to the station :)

When we got home, Manny slept for close to FOUR HOURS and I was wrecked so I slept too! Unbelievable. I don't remember the last time I got an afternoon nap.

And now we sit here, Rocket doing the dishes, Manny shovelling cereal into his mouth using spoon and both hands, watching scooby doo while I do my work from home hours. Days like this renew me for the bad days :)

a real vacation? me?

2011-02-06T13:46:00.001+11:00

It has been years now that we have talked about "one day" going away - far away - on an actual vacation *gasp* but there was always a reason not to.

After our boy died all I wanted was to get away...but at the same time all I wanted was to hibernate in my tiny house and never leave.

Then I got pregnant with Manny and travelling anywhere more than 20 minutes from my hospital was a big fat HELL NO.

Then he was born, and wonderful, and we renovated another house. "Maybe when we're done here" we said "we should make enough money to afford a big trip overseas". Well of course I bought another house before selling that one, so all our money went into that.

And here we are renovating house number 4 with no end date in sight.

So last week we got to talking. It's like having kids. If you wait for the "right time" you will always be waiting. There is no right time. The time is now. Carpe diem and all that jazz. So we started thinking "where should we go?" Pacific islands? Nepal? India? Back to Italy or Spain? (as I have never taken Lou to see where I lived). To Canada? (hey we could get legally hitched!)

But all talk turned to the Happiest Place on Earth and the joy it would bring to my kids (and by kids I am including the 30 year old one in there too). I haven't been since I was 12 and I remember how amazing it all was. I took Rocket to Euro Di.sn.ey in Paris when he was about 2 but it was NOT the same by any standards. Then we talked about NYC and San Francisco and so many other places we wanted to see, and take the kids to see.

Then Lou found out there was a Le.go.la.nd and that was it. USA it had to be.

And as I am known for rash spur of the moment decisions, and as aforementioned carpe diem nonsense...we leave in roughly 3.5 weeks.

Eek! Cue panic over Manny having no passport, Rocket's being expired and no plans whatsoever. What can I say - I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl through and through. All I can say is it will be very exciting, and a well deserved break for us all. Our kids have suffered through a lot over the last few years and they need this too. Everyone that has found out about our plans has commented "You guys have worked so hard for so long you deserve this". Who knew people had noticed??

Stay tuned for midnight panic attacks until we leave :)

(ooh and photos of our nearly completed bathroom! My wife is a rockstar)

What a Week

2011-01-30T17:53:00.004+11:00

This week feels like it's lasted about a month!
Project "gut-the-bathroom-and-replace-everything" was scheduled for one week. Monday to Friday. It's now Sunday and not looking like finishing any day soon.

Monday: I had to work so I left my girl and her da at home to start work. She'd started the demo over the weekend so I figured they'd do full demo Monday and start putting everything back starting Tuesday. Imagine my surprise when I get home and they are only halfway through demo!

Tuesday: Shopping day. Had to pick up the vanity and tiles, having bought the new frameless showerscreen on Sunday (which was a drama in and of itself). Measure everything up and realise the frameless shower screen wont fit our space. So we look at all other options. Nope, none of them will fit. Looks like FIL will be cutting a big-ass channel in the brick wall and recessing it in. Seems to be problem solvered.

Wednesday: Can't believe it, they are still doing demo. OMFG.

Thursday: They did start the tiling, but didn't get too far. More tiling. More tiling, more tiling. Still only halfway finished!

Friday: More tiling. Am concerned about said shower screen but am reassured it will be FINE.

Saturday: Supposed to be finished, or at least putting back in fixtures and fittings. Nope. Lou grouts the tiles in the evening, and for some ridiculous reason we decide that a 37C (very hot) day was a good time to put up a tool shed.

Tool shed is too small.

Tool shed instructions are written by an indonesian person with limited grasp of English language.

Tool shed nearly sends both of us over the edge.

Tool shed completed but a little dodgy. Both hot and pissed off at each other.

Sunday: FIL is back to install all the fixtures. HA! yeah right. A little more tiling is completed, and the shower screen debacle begins. Guess what? It doesnt fit. They are currently down there swearing at it and attacking the wall with diamond blades, circular saws and chisels. It is not going well. Oh and it's also 42C (which I believe is somewhere around 114F?) This is not looking too good. Dammit I really need to be able to shower tonight!!!

bathroom before shots: stay tuned for the afters......if we ever finish...

Construction/Destruction

2011-01-23T18:46:00.002+11:00

Oh my word I tell you, I am getting a bit sick of this construction/renovation bizzo.

I know it's what we have to do in order to get where we want in life (retired by 40). But come on. We need a break. But see every time I say that to myself I am forced to remember we've been taking LOTS of breaks. Hence why what was supposed to be a 2 month renovation on a little cottage has dragged out to 6 months and counting. Poor form. And we are going to use it as a long term rental so it's not like we are getting the money for those extra mortgage payments back any time soon!

Cartoon by Michael Mucci

We have kicked it into hyperdrive now though, and I have even managed to convince my Lou to take a whole week off to completely gut and redo our bathroom in our current home - and another two weeks in February! Lucky for me her boss has just about pushed her over the edge recently so she was happy to take time off :) Destruction started yesterday and Construction is due to start tomorrow. Happy days!

So if you'll excuse me, now I need to go and have a bath in brick dust. That's right, I'm so badass I bathe amongst tile shards and other construction debris ;)

what's the lesson here?

2011-01-18T11:43:00.003+11:00

Okay universe...what are you trying to teach me this morning?

A little background - Rocket's school used to be at the end of our street. Then we moved (twice) and got further and further away. Now it's a ten minute drive. We kept him there though, because we plan on moving back there soon. So during summer break (right now) he goes to Vacation Care there. We had a program with all the days he was booked in highlighted and the full details of what they were doing that day.

About two weeks ago...it disappeared. Methinks my boy threw it out when he was cleaning up the recycling. We got the workers there to write down the days he was booked in on a piece of paper. Sounds fine, right?

I checked this morning and all it said was "Fun Day". As there was an excursion yesterday, and one tomorrow, I thought "Oh there's no way they'll go on an excursion today...I can drop him off at the school a bit late today". I was having a high level frustration day, the smallest things were driving me crazy.

When we got there...tumbleweeds. Noone around anywhere. And of course no sign on the door saying where they were, no program in the window, no phone number to call. What to do? I tried not to let the frustration take hold...

So we started brainstorming where they could be. The only thing I could think of was the waterslide and amusements on the foreshore. Went down there...there were about 200 Vacation Care kids there...but none of ours. I couldn't help it, I started getting mad.

Drove back to the school to drive around and see if they were anywhere to be seen. Tried calling the mobile number for Vac Care that was in my phone from years ago. It rang out. Drove around and it finally peaked. I yelled. Screamed. "Where are they??" Not yelling at my kids but I feel terrible, I was doing so well on the no yelling thing until now...

Finally got through on the mobile. Not the person working today but at least she could tell me where they were.

Do you want to know where they were?

At the school next door to my house. I am not joking. It is 30 feet from my front door.

It would be funny if I wasn't already having such a bad day :)

Achievements

2011-01-09T01:09:00.002+11:00

Unbelievably...I feel like we might be starting to actually get somewhere! Today we laid the vinyl flooring and painted the trims in our little rental cottage and I'm hoping we can finish it off tomorrow and have it on the market this week.

I sold 4 large items on eBay today which will clear space in our overflowing garage at home AND brings us $431! The two biggest items are getting picked up tomorrow meaning by tomorrow night hopefully I can have working space in there :)

AND the shed at our little rental cottage has a lot of space that we are going to use as a storage unit until we buy our "forever" house, so my morning chore is to pack as much stuff that we don't need to access right away and move it to the shed.

I can't tell you how good it feels to start seeing it all come together!

AND we found a toddler slippery dip out for hard rubbish (large items that you don't want that you put on the side of the road for council pickup once a month) Manny loves it! We've got all their play equipment (and lots of furniture) from hard rubbish - nothing like the joy of getting something beautiful for free!

So now I should be going to bed in preparation for a big day tomorrow...but I'm going to sit here and think about designs for my newest tattoo instead :)

Oh and I am working on a Christmas entry for y'all too - better late than never, right?

Wordless Wednesday - My Boys

2011-01-05T13:38:00.004+11:00

2011-01-04T13:18:00.000+11:00

I'm a little behind in posting. Apologies for all the backdated entries!

I was offline (literally) for a while and just haven't found the motivation to post since returning. It's supposed to be good for you...going offline. Having some time in a region where there is NO INTERNET COVERAGE. Not for me. I was feeling quite wrong actually! These here interwebz have been my home for over 9 years now. I started my first website 9 years ago (scary thought) and my first "blog" 7 years ago...so for me, going offline, really offline, is like chopping off a limb!

But I am back now. I have lovely photos of our time away that I can't wait to share with you all, and some stories too, including telling all about our Manny catching his first fish (snapper) at age 20 months!! Stay tuned...

I have so many resolutions flying around in my head, but it is SO EASY to just step right back into that rut and settle down back into old habits. I came across a paper I was meant to file at Motor Reg late last year and I felt the panic attack start. I simply have to clear the slate and get everything up to date so I can start the year right (even though we're already nearly a week in! *breathe* *breathe* *fight the panic!!*)

I had wanted to start the year on a really organised note. I wanted to have everything all sorted in my physical life, so that my head might settle down and I might relax a little. I feel like I've been on hyperdrive for so long now...I need to slow down before I crash. So my one main aim right now is to organise this house from top to bottom. It's proving a lot more challenging than I anticipated.

I have, however, finally listed some of the furniture taking over our house on eBay so hopefully by next week that will be gone. It's hard to fight the urge to light a match in our garage though. It would be so much easier if it were all gone! I'd leave the door open and hope it would all get stolen but knowing our luck, no one would want any of it!!

The no yelling policy is taking some time to get used to but I think it is going to be great. If we can stick to it. So far Rocket has done all the dishes every day and cleaned the top floor a few times so definitely allocating chores instead of yelling is paying off for us!

*sigh* You know if I didn't have to go back to work next week I think I could do a lot better on all of these resolutions...but c'est la vie...bills must be paid and my children insist on eating every single day so what can you do?

Resolutions

2011-01-01T12:23:00.001+11:00

1. This year I will complete Project 365, and NaNoWriMo. Hopefully. This has been a resolution for a few years now! I will complete the photobooks I've wanted to do, starting right back with Rocket's baby photos.

2. This year I will watch less television. Maybe.

3. This year I will be a better parent. A more involved parent. I think I was so overwhelmed with our Little last year that I let my Rocket take backseat far too much and his attitude has to be a result of that.
3i. We are becoming a no yell household. No raised voices, no yelling, no screaming. The not listening is still a major problem but we are hoping that with calm, quiet voices explaining why we are upset, and providing immediate punishment will help. We are just yelling all the time and Manny is starting to join in! We need a calmer household all round.
3ii. I will enrol Rocket in some extracurriculars. He used to do so many but we had problems with his attention span so we cut them last year.
3iii. I will make his lunch for him every night even though he insists he can make it himself. Bread and butter is not a sandwich!!
3iv. I'm sure there are many more that I can't think of right now...I WILL try harder :)

4. I will somehow get my Lou to work less. How I will achieve this is still a mystery.

5. I will, I will organise my damn house! This is ridiculous!

6. I will stay on track and finish renovating this house, sell it, and buy our forever house.

7. I will stick to my photography. I've picked it up, and put it down so many times over the last few years. If I stick at it, I know I can be great.

8. I will create a routine for us. So that we all can achieve the things we want to achieve.

9. I will try not to let things overwhelm me and take them a day, and one job at a time.

10. I will be a better blogger. I have wanted to take this blog in new directions all year, but somehow it all ended up back at infertility. My life is about more than that! I also need to really reconnect with all the lovely bloggers I've come to know and love over the years. This is one resolution I believe I can really keep :)

My Wish for You

2010-12-31T13:07:00.000+11:00

To those of you who read along with me throughout the last year, for those of you who held me up in moments of grief, and celebrated with me in moments of joy, I thank you.

I do not believe that those who do not blog, can truly comprehend how amazing it can be, how miraculous that your words can reach someone halfway across the world, and that someone halfway across the world can reach you, and touch your heart.

In 2010 I was gifted so many things. I had my Hercules-Baby for 7 weeks, and my Walnut/s for another 7. Seven is my Lou's favourite number of all time. I was gifted friendship, and comraderie with women I have never met, and possibly never will meet.

I began this new blog, and shook off the shackles of grief that tied me to my last blog. I tried, and failed, to do things, but I shook myself off and went back for more.

You helped me through all of that.

And for that, I thank you.

And I pray that your 2011 beats the pants off your 2010 (even if it was a fantastic year for you).

I wish it only gets better from here for you.

I wish you happiness.

I wish you love.

and I wish you peace.

2010 Retrospective

2010-12-30T22:17:00.001+11:00

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Miscarried. Ha. Ha. Ha. No really. That's the first thing that comes to mind.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I actually didn't make any last year. I probably resolved to be a better parent. Not yell as much. If that is the case: Epic FAIL. I do have a whole list for this year though...we'll see how they go. Ask me in a year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Unfortunately, yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My two (three?) babies. A dear friend from Gaelic.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. Again. Sick of being stuck on this sunburnt island!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Der. A living baby.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
1 June 2010. The day I miscarried our Hercules. Also the day after the SIL had a baby and broke our hearts by using our dead son's name against our wishes.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not punching said SIL.

9. What was your biggest failure?
A December photoshoot. Nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown over it. Also the whole not yelling thing. The wanting to be a better mother thing. Yeah that.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness? Yeah a few small things. Injury - only my heart.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
4 IVF cycles? Har har. Probably our new car :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My amazing partner who not only puts up with me but loves me for my flaws and insecurities, and insane moments. Who grounds me and comforts me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Need I say it again? SIL.

14. Where did most of your money go?

I-V-Freaking-F.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being pregnant. Bah humbug do you see a pattern?

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2010?
You've Got the Love

I know it's not from this year, but it's a song that has stuck with me this year. Every time I hear it I cry. And I'm not sure if I ever told her, but this song makes me think of my soul sister. I'll have to explain it to her one day....

ALSO...absolutely this one:

Because there are a LOT of assholes, scumbags and douchebags in our lives ;)

and of course on the same vein:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
Hmm hard to say. Towards the end of the year most definitely 100% sadder. But on a whole...about the same.

iii. Thinner or fatter?

Thinner actually. I should have been about to give birth/just have given birth so I should be fatter. Meh. Again with my standard theme ;)

v. Richer or poorer?

Definitely poorer. Although we did sell 2 of our houses...so we have far less debt now. If you excluded the $25k+ that we spent on IVF I guess we could be considered richer...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hmm. Enjoying my children.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work. Too much work, not enough play!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

We spent it at home, and planned on putting our foot down and refusing to leave the house for anything. Ended up driving out to the inlaws for dinner anyway! BUT it was on our terms and no timelines, no-one getting pissed off that we were late (which is what happened last year...it was SHIT)

21. How many one-night stands?

Err...none

22. What was your favorite TV program

Definitely "Spirited". Loved it! If you're in Australia and have cable - shame on you if you didn't watch it (on W). Get hold of it if you can it's fantastic :)

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is SUCH a strong word. I dont think I could ever HATE anyone. But take a very tiny step down from hate and yes. Absolutely I do. I think you can all fill in the blanks.

24. What was the best book you read?

Hmm. Thats a hard one.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Rockabye Baby CDs at our library. Lullaby rendition of Nirvana, TOOL, Bob Marley, Pink Floyd...omg love it.

26. What did you want and get?
My health. NO BRAIN TUMOURS!!!!

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Tomorrow When the War Began. Not as good as the books for sure, but still a good film.

28. What did you do on your birthday?
Dinner out with my mum, MIL, nanny, partner and kids.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Hahahaha. Concept?
Recycle-chic? A little bit vintage, a little bit retro, and a little bit whatever I could find at the recycled clothing store :)

30. What kept you sane?

My Lou. Every single day she saves me from myself. Every. Single. Day.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pfft none of them.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election. The stabbing in the back of our Prime Minister and gaining our first female PM through the worst means possible. For Shame Julia.
Also all the constant debate over Marriage Equality. Sending out a big f*** you to the politicians who still maintain the public doesn't want marriage rights even after inquest after inquest show we do.

33. Who did you miss?

My baby. My boy. Every single fucking day.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

Did I meet anyone this year?

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: Yikes. I have to be deep now? I suppose not letting what other people do with their own lives affect me. I can choose how badly it affects me and decide not to let myself fall apart because of it.

Five Years

2010-12-20T10:35:00.000+11:00

Friday the 17th December 2010 marked five wonderful, long, devastating, superb, happy, sad, amazing years with my would-be-wife.

It amazes me that it has only been five years as I believe we have endured more sadness and felt more joy than I think some couple would in twenty years.

I planned a surprise night away here:

and was hoping like mad that she wasn't planning a night out or a dinner secretly as well. I tried all week to find out if she had planned anything...turns out I needn't have worried, she completely forgot! I asked her to call past my mum's work to pick something up for me, and when she saw me there she was so confused. I didn't tell her anything, just said "surprise!"
Put the baby seat in mum's car and packed her off with the kids and Lou was even more confused (mum was in on the plan). Got back in the car and she could NOT figure out what was going on...until we walked into the hotel! "What's this about?" she asked, and I pointed to the "Happy Anniversary" card I had put on the table.

"OH!" she says "I remembered last week then I forgot again!"

We had a remedial massage in room which was sorely needed (we both have the bones/joints of an 80 year old - her from football, me from breaking horses) and lay around eating and watching movies. Slept in uninterrupted. It was heavenly. Then we went home to the screaming mess that is our house (and children). Decided we should do that at least every 3 months :)

And am I upset that she forgot? Absolutely not! It's awesome for two reasons: (1) I wanted it to be a surprise, and it really was and (2) I can hold it over her for the NEXT five years that she forgot our anniversary :)

Absence.

2010-12-15T11:08:00.002+11:00

You may have noticed I've been absent. Then again, maybe you haven't. Well here's your update: I've been absent. Not only absent from my blog, but I feel like I've been sort of absent from my life.

Things keep moving on around me, and I feel like I am standing still.

Everyone around me is pregnant (or so it feels. I am up to 8 pregnant friends now). If they aren't pregnant, they are trying. And here we sit, out of options. No more trying for us. Some days I can hardly bear it.

It feels like this immense failure has brought back some of the deep rooted sadness that losing my boy gifted me. I feel like I have been living with it lying dormant, just under my skin, and this current state of failure has brought it back out. Like a blanket it settles over me and I can't shake it off. I am close to tears most moments of most days. I feel like I am only now realising that I also lost two (three?) babies this year as well. I didn't let myself feel it before now because I was still moving. I was going forward, I was thinking "Right. Next step! Let's get going, time's a-wasting". But now there is no moving forward. There is no next step.

And I am a little over a week from the date I should have been giving birth to my first little lost one of 2010. A week. I would have had a baby by Christmas. It barely seems possible.

braincakes :)

2010-12-02T12:50:00.007+11:00

Tally so far = Nic 2, Brain Tumour 0

Thank you for the prayers, I believe in the power of prayer, and she is doing so well!

So I share with you today - how to make your friend cupcakes after her second brain surgery in a week.

STEP ONE: Bake pink cupcakes

STEP TWO: Make pink italian meringue frosting

STEP THREE: Pipe frosting onto cupcakes like so:

STEP FOUR: Voila! Brain cupcakes! Braaaaaaainnnnsssssss.

back again.

2010-11-27T14:23:00.001+11:00

I've tried to write about 5 posts since Wednesday.
I just can't bring myself to post any of them.
Nic is headed back in for another brain surgery on Monday.
Please send all the healing vibes and love you can to her and her girl.

Anything I would say here pales in comparison to what they are going through right now. This was all supposed to be over already.

surgery day

2010-11-23T10:10:00.002+11:00

Just a quick one as I am overloaded with work today.

First off some good news: my little man is all healed and home from hospital!!

and today is Nic's surgery. Please hold her and her partner close in your thoughts and prayers for me today. She is being such a trooper, she just takes everything in her stride. It's her partner that needs our support as she has to sit and wait in the ICU until they can bring her around.

I will be back to blogging soon (I hope) when all my energy isn't being diverted elsewhere - when nic is home where she belongs fit and healthy (and cancer free please).

Prayers required.

2010-11-15T12:26:00.002+11:00

Please say a prayer for my friends who have just lost their daughter at around 20 weeks.
Please say a prayer for my friend who lost her mother last week.
Please say a prayer for my friend who lost her mother in law.
Please say a prayer for my friend who just had a stroke.
Please say a prayer for my friend who has just been diagnosed with a brain tumour. She is not even 30 years old.

It's been a fucker of a week.

I'm not sure whether to be mad as hell at the universe or grateful that these things are not happening to me.

I tell you I would take a hundred years of my fertility struggles if it lightened their load at all at this time. Sure as hell puts my own problems into perspective.

The Thirds

2010-11-03T10:43:00.005+11:00

It has started.

All the third not-birthdays are rolling around. Which means it is only a matter of months before it is my Starbaby's third not-birthday.

To all the members of my DBMafia - whether you are here reading this or not - your babies live on in my heart. They all made a mark on me in such a profound way and they will always be loved. Those of you missing your little ones all about to "turn" three - I was there with you in the beginning, you saved me, you saved my sanity and my life - to know that I wasn't alone - to know that what I felt was ok - I cannot imagine how I would have passed those first months without you.

To my DBMafia...I remember. I love them too. Happy Third Birthdays, I wish we could see you all blowing out your candles and opening your gifts. I hope you are all partying together somewhere in the stars.

breaking point

2010-10-29T10:11:00.002+11:00

Like a fever, my depression broke at about 8:30pm last night. I reached my breaking point, I yelled in the middle of the shopping centre, and I got better.

Manny rewarded me by keeping me up all night. Thanks little dude.
He is being awfully cute today though, driving his wooden trains up and down my arms making "woo woo" noises so all is forgiven.

I just felt the most overwhelming sadness yesterday. It all came to a head when I felt I had to cancel my tattoo appointment, and my artist, my friend, got pretty upset about it (she's had a lot of cancellations lately and is really struggling financially). I burst into tears and cried fairly uncontrollably for most of the day. We were each the straw that broke each others back.

Grief is an unpredictable beast. My mental health is fragile on a good day, and two years out from the death of my boy, I'm still not having as many good days as I'd like. I've felt it building for a long while. A long while. I do feel like it peaked last night, and I'm hoping I'm on my way out of it now.

Thank you for continuing to come here and give me love when I need it - I'm going to try to make it back to everyone's blogs and pass on the love :)

see beauty

2010-10-20T13:07:00.001+11:00

see beauty/see beauty/see beauty

All I can do is chant to myself that I need to keep trying to see the beauty in the world because sometimes I fear the sadness will overwhelm and envelop me and I may never see the light again.

see beauty.

see beauty.

see beauty.

Wave of Light

2010-10-15T20:48:00.001+11:00

My candles lit for the Wave of Light across the world for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. One for my miscarried babies, one for my Starbaby, and a multi petalled one to represent all the very loved and wanted babies of friends, my baby's special playmates in the stars.

We remember them every day, and love them every minute.

to derby, or not to derby...

2010-10-05T13:36:00.003+11:00

I just don't know what to do about derby this year. Training starts NEXT WEEK. I'm registered, but I don't know whether I should even go along. What happens if I get (and stay) pregnant? I won't be able to train or play and I'd be taking a place away from someone else who might really really want to be there.

But what if I DONT get pregnant, or what if I do and miscarry again? I would really need the outlet to be able to fight and skate out some of my anger and bitterness.

Plus its kind of flattering that two of the top players in our city's top league keep asking whether I will go for fresh meat with their league.

Oh it's a derby dilemma. Dammit.

nostalgia...

2010-10-04T23:58:00.003+11:00

Hello dahlings, it's been awhile. Would you believe that we finally made it away for a weekend? I have been dying for a break for months now, and my darling girl delivered, taking a day off work so we could go away for 3 days :) I have loads of lovely photos to share of the beach and the fishing fun that was had, but I am so tired and haven't uploaded them all yet, I'll save that for tomorrow.

*sidenote* eww I just squashed a gigantic blowfly...with my notebook. Ew. Didn't think that one through...may have to throw it away now...*

Been feeling a little nostalgic today, reading my old blogs that I just discovered - I thought they were lost in time and the internets (way back in 2002 - I was still a teenager, how bizarre). One of my favourite lines in there had to be "I'll tell you all about how my future nearly got flushed down the dunny like a dead goldfish today". Ah, good times :)

I don't have terribly much to say today. Am in a bit of a rough baby spot at the moment, feeling my grief more than usual. I think I'm going to leave this short and pointless entry here, I'm feeling a little sad and need to go watch some really crappy late night tv and have a cry.

Stillbirth, the gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and fucking giving.

love and a snickers bar

2010-09-26T23:46:00.002+10:00

Oh for the love of Pete, my house looks like a tornado ripped through it. Just call me Dorothy.
There are piles and piles of stuff just everywhere. It's getting ridiculous. I cleaned this damn house just a couple of days ago, and now we look like something from Hoarders.

I would have cleaned up tonight, but we spent all day at roller derby (grand finals!!)(we won!!) and I decided lying in bed watching Property Ladder, eating a Snickers bar and reading blogs was a much better idea.

I think I might actually reach Iron Commenter status this month after YEARS of wishing I could! Of course this means my other blogs are completely neglected and my google reader is overflowing. Meh. Can't win 'em all...

Look at what my Roccie sent me:

Love. Just love.

I fucking love the blogosphere man. Across the world, my starbaby has touched a life, so much that someone I've never met, took a photo of a car they saw randomly with his bloggy nickname on it. Blows my mind.

just another saturday night...

2010-09-25T23:58:00.005+10:00

Tonight I made an actual meal, planned in advance - corned beef cooked in the slow cooker all day. Decided at dinner time I didn't want it, ordered chinese instead.
Stuffed my face with satay chicken, steamed dim sim and crispy steak with plum sauce.
Sat here and read Edenland from start to finish. Think I may be in love with this ocka woman in the mountains ;)
Ate a full bag of prawn chips.
Got sick of getting up and down to the fridge so bought the 2L bottle of pepsi to me instead and am swigging it from the bottle. Lou would smack me if she knew. Good thing she piked on me at 9pm.
Spent an inordinate amount of time staring at the little footprint on my hip. Am just overwhelmed by it.
Wondered why the hell my 8 year old is incapable of switching off the bathroom light (also why he insists on using the upstairs bathroom even when he is downstairs in his room (and the downstairs bathroom is right next to his room)).

Pretty happening night here, by all accounts.

Saturday nights for me used to mean wild times, insane adventures and too many substances to count. Now the only adventures I have are vicariously through Walker, Texas Ranger (oh Chuck Norris you action hero you).

in love with ink...

2010-09-24T17:04:00.006+10:00

I had such a beautiful time being tattooed, it's a bit of a high I have to come down from now ;)

My tattoo artist is an old friend, who I have known for over ten years now. It's one of those funny friendships where you lose touch, then pick up, then lose touch, then pick up.

We talked about everything. We talked about miscarriages and foster care and adoption. We talked about my evil SIL and her psycho ex boyfriend. We talked about gypsies and going bush. We talked about our mutual friend and how in love he is for the first time and how beautiful and strange his new boyfriend is. We talked about zombies and artists. We talked about mushrooms and the youth of today and how much they suck. Then we laughed about becoming crotchety old ladies (keep in mind neither of us are close to thirty yet....)

It was so relaxed. I helped her mix up the colours to get the right shades. I took photos as she worked. It was one of the loveliest experiences and I would go back every week if I could.

I am so in love with my new ink that I can't stop staring at it. I used to pull out Starbaby's envelope of footprints so often and stare at them. Now I can just look down and he's there. Its a beautiful thing, I can't explain what it means to have it there, and what it means that she was the one to put it there.

She kept saying "I hope I do him justice"

You did darling. In spades.

Wordless Wednesday - New Ink

2010-09-22T20:16:00.001+10:00

Almost Wordless Wednesday (I can't help myself!)

Each blossom to represent each of my lost babies...

Starbaby's actual footprint :)
He had big feet for a 3lb baby!

Lovely new ink from my beautiful friend. Ignore the fact I still look pregnant in my last photo...I assure you I'm not :(

ICLW rolls around again

2010-09-21T23:29:00.003+10:00

Well well it's ICLW again already!

For the first time in awhile I am not mid-IVF this ICLW. I should be, but my clinic are a bunch of raving incompetents.....I digress.

A brief rundown of who I am as a blogger would say:
My name is Suzy.
I have three babies - two boys on earth, one boy in the stars. He was stillborn at term in February 2008 and my heart aches for him every day.
I am now TTC again via IVF/ICSI and have had two consecutive miscarriages at 7 weeks.
I am starting to think that it will never happen for us and that we are just going through the motions.
I watch too much TV.
I recently had a major health scare as my specialists believed I had large brain tumours.
Turns out I don't. Thanks for scaring 10 years off my life though.
I love all three of my children fiercely.
I'm a wannabe perfect housewife who has an aversion to cleaning.
I love my camera and wish I had more time to perfect my art.

That's me. In a nutshell. Welcome. Kick off your shoes in the hallway (everyone else here does) and make yourself at home.

nothing but blue skies

2010-09-20T10:22:00.004+10:00

I went for a walk yesterday. I needed to buy some baking supplies to make my MIL a birthday cake, so I decided to take Manny for a walk to the supermarket instead of driving. There were looming angry looking grey clouds all around, but I just grabbed jackets and blankets and went anyway.

Incredibly, the sun shone on us the entire walk there, and back (about 35-40 minutes). I got so warm I took off my cardigan and walked in short sleeves. Rainclouds everywhere, but directly above us, blue sky.

My losses are those grey rainclouds. Always looming, always there on the periphery of my life. But there is always a patch of blue sky, and today I am choosing to walk in the sun.

Motivation...or lack thereof

2010-09-19T00:14:00.009+10:00

I want to be better. Better than I am right now. I want to get off my ass and do something but I continue to pitifully make excuses for myself.

"Manny is sick, when he gets better I will xxxx"

"I just need to get over the miscarriage, then I'll xxxx"
closely followed by "I just need to get over this miscarriage, then I'll xxxx"

"As soon as I get over this cold I'll xxxx"

But here I still sit night after night, watching reruns of ER and surfing through blogs.

I want to have an immaculate house where everything has a place. Who am I kidding? I vaccuum twice a day in our living/kitchen area, so vast is the mess my boys create in mere minutes. Immaculate is just not going to happen. Between my darling boys creating chaos in every direction, and my Lou coming home and leaving bags/coats/miscellaneous crap strewn from one end of the house to the other...my oasis is more of a junkpile. Plus everything here is so temporary. We are only here until we sell our other house and get the money to renovate. Then we will renovate and sell this place and buy our forever house. So at the moment we feel like we are living as squatters here.

I want to finally get back into creating. I want to take more photos. I want to finally start some photobooks of the boys. I want to use all the reams and reams of fabric I have sitting in the garage.

I want to finally jump into my own business. I know that I would be happier if I were kept busy instead of sitting here wishing I had the motivation to do something. WHen it's not urgent, I just don't do anything. I have discovered that I have only got proper motivation if I have a looming deadline and then I panicpanicpanic, stay up until 4am daily and gogogo until it is done, and am always amazed by the results.

I guess I am writing this all out in the hope that by having it all out there in black and white it will motivate me somehow. Hey, anything is worth a shot at this point!

And to finish this midnight post...I constantly feel like my heart might burst with gratitude for the fact that I do not have brain tumours! And my babies are strong and healthy and my partner is here, and healthy and alive. Honestly, I do not want anything more out of this life than that.

All clear :)

2010-09-18T16:19:00.002+10:00

As the title suggests, there was indeed good news at the CT scan.
It was a harrowing day waiting to find out, and convincing myself the news would be bad.

I made so many promises that day.
I could barely focus on my work at all.
I sat in the bathrooms just praying over and over.
I handed over my fertility that day.

I promised to anyone who may have been listening, that if he/she/it/theuniverse could see to it that I did not have brain tumours, I would accept never having any more children.
Big call huh?
I never said I would stop trying, but now, if we are never successful, I understand why, and I am grateful.

As I said over and over that day...I love my life, and I want to continue to live it.

eternal optimism

2010-09-15T13:42:00.003+10:00

This afternoon I go for CT scans. Not looking forward to (a) the radiation and probability than my cancernoia will actually be the cause for me getting cancer from the number of scans I have (b) having to actually have the contrast dye injection which I have managed to avoid until now and (c) the wait after the scan to find out if I have massive brain tumours pressing on my optic nerves. Yeah I'm an optimist.

To tell you the truth I am terrified. More terrified than ever before. My eyes have become so bad in the last three days that I can hardly read the words I am typing (thank god for those touch typing classes in tenth grade). I have never been so convinced that there actually might be something drastically wrong. I may bitch and complain but I love my life and would like to continue living it for many many years.

So far today is not going all that well, so I am hoping all the shit will be out of the way before I head in. Just contacted the crappy clinic to talk to my doctor about doing a FET this cycle...only to be told "Well he's away until the 2nd of October, but I'll certainly pass him that message then" Are you fucking kidding me? I'd like to know why it skipped his mind to tell me this when I spoke to him just over a week ago. This means waiting at least another cycle and when you feel like you're running out of time...well one cycle means a lot.

The scared part of me now is thinking "Maybe this is why you miscarried. Maybe this is why you can't do the FET this cycle. Maybe it's because you will need urgent brain surgery."

See? Eternal optimist...

Uniforms, tattoos and weddings (totally unrelated topics)

2010-09-13T13:31:00.004+10:00

I am having a dyslexic day. And it is annoying me.

This entry may be somewhat disjointed, also, but it's unavoidable as it is just how I feel right now.

***

I need to buy Rocket a new school shirt. The uniform shop was closed this morning (this also annoyed me). School photos are tomorrow morning. Looks like I will be lining up with the 300 other slack parents who wait until school photo day to buy their kids a uniform shirt that isn't spattered with paint/has holes cut in it from scissor experiments in first grade. Is it wrong that he is still wearing the shirts I bought him in reception (that's nearly four years ago!) I mean, they were big on him back then and a little small on him now...and have been spattered with paint for a good three of those nearly-four years...but that's ok, right?

***

I went to see my tattoo artist on Thursday. I made an appointment right before I got pregnant with Walnut and had to cancel (obviously) and didn't contact her again for nearly two months. She was concerned, hoped everything was ok* (no! it's all shit!) I said I was fine. I'm always fine.

That morning, I went to grab Star's sheets of hand and footprints (as she is tattooing his foot on me) and they weren't where they should have been.
I didn't panic, I just went to look in the other memory box. Not there either.
Here I began to frown.
Are they in his babybook? No.
Are they in the filing cabinet? No.
I call Lou "Have you seen them?" No.

I was running late by this point so I left without them. How could I have lost the only copies? More to the point, how could I be so stupid not to make more copies in case this exact thing ever happened! I had two and a half years!

On the upside, Lou discovered that we did have another set of hand and footprints. Not as clear with detail but a better outline, done by the hospital, given to us at the appointment for his autopsy results. I've never really looked much in that envelope. So all is not lost, and I will take in both the print, and his casts so that she can get the detail just right. My first appointment is next week for 2 of the 3 new tattoos I now have lined up for the next few weeks :)

***

I am starting to get anxious about all this wedding planning business. I have to say, just one more thing that the whole IVF rollercoaster/shitstorm has impacted is the plans for our wedding. See I refuse to get married while pregnant**. So we decided to plan for it to happen in early 2011, as I was "supposed" to get pregnant last December (I would be due this week. *sigh* That would mean I would have a nearly 1 month old baby at home *sigh*). That would have given me 5 months to at least try to get my figure back (ha!) in time to look glamorous for the big day.

Then I got pregnant in April. There was no way that we could get married early next year if I was going to be giving birth in late December.
Then that baby died.
Then I got pregnant in July.
Then that baby died too.

Now I am considering a natural FET my next cycle. If that works, I'd be due in late June. That means we couldn't get married until the end of next year. I wish I had known. I wish I had known that come January, I would have been able to get married. I wish I had followed through with my plans. I wish we weren't doing IVF so I could plan this thing without having to take this all into consideration.

I do feel like I am on a rapidly escalating timeline with this wedding. I'm not going to explain why as it will seem petty and insane to most of you, but it's very real to us! It bothers me that we won't be able to even think of getting married for over another year. And what if this FET goes the same old way? What if, come next year, we are still trying to get a baby that lives? It's just all too much. I feel like time is running away from me....

*I should note that she is an old friend of mine - we've been friends for over ten years so it's not odd for her to worry about me!
** this is not negotiable. I'd love to just say "Ah to hell with it, if I'm pregnant at the wedding that'd be fine" but it's really not ;)

The Aftermath - part three

2010-09-10T14:44:00.001+10:00

For part one of Starbaby's lifestory click here

This has taken awhile to publish, and there is so much I have left out. I often wish I could go back to those first few weeks. I was allowed to be a complete mess and think of nothing outside of myself and my grief. It was horrific and glorious at the same time, and I felt the closest to him that I ever have.

The week after leaving the hospital was a blur. We slept and lived curled up together on a single mattress on our living room floor. Aside from going to the funeral home to make arrangements, we didn’t leave the house. We watched a lot of trashy tv. If something was funny, I laughed. When I was sad, I cried. The nights were the worst. I would howl and cry for hours until I passed out. I started blogging again the day I got home from the hospital and I spent many, many hours devouring other DBM stories and blogs.

He was buried on a very hot day. The night before we went and had Laurie do matching tattoos of his name on our feet. I was excited to see him again the day of the burial. I couldn’t wait to hold him again. But when I saw him, I knew I couldn’t. He had been gone too long and he was too fragile. He was smaller than I remembered. We buried him silently with his music playing. I thought I would say something, but I couldn’t find the words. We only had our immediate family there. Once again, I found myself oddly calm and in control of myself. I barely cried.

We held his memorial a few weeks later. I didn’t think many people would come. But it was standing room only. We had a little party for him, and handed out his birth announcements. I made a speech. I can barely read it even now. There were many tears shed that day.

We “celebrated” every month for nearly a year. My blog and my friends on forums kept me going. I had no idea that stillbirth were so common.

We received the autopsy reports six weeks later. All my fears, all my late night terrors were laid to rest that day. I was overwhelmed by the thought that there may have been something we could do to save him. But the results were what I had always expected, and what I had found myself hoping for. Our baby boy had full trisomy 18 with a double aneuploidy. He never would have survived. I felt immense relief knowing that his fate was decided at his very conception. There was never anything we could do to change the outcome. The only thing I wish I could change is that I wish I had known some things that I know now. I wish I had known I could call a photographer in to get lovely photos of him. We have so few, and they are not great. I wish I had thought to bring in his blanket, his things into the hospital.

My greatest regret is not something that I ever could have changed though. I wish that we had known. At the time, we were so relieved that we didn’t know that there was something wrong. But now I wish we had known. I wish we could have induced while he was alive. I wish I could have seen his little eyes open. I wish my family and friends could have met him, even once. That’s the only thing I really wish I could change.

Losing my boy is quite obviously the most traumatic thing that I have endured. But it is not a horrible thing to me. Do not feel sorry for me that it happened. He is still my child and this is his story. It is who he is and I wouldn’t change it.

Little one, little one
Where have you gone?
Your going has darkened
The brightest dawn
Why did you leave us
So soon, so soon?
Where can we look for you?
Over the moon?
On butterflies' wings
In the heart of a rose?
Who knows,
who knows
Where a little one goes?
Where I have gone,
I am not so small
My soul is as wide
As the world is tall.
Wherever you look,
You will find me there~
In the heart of a rose,
In the heart of a prayer.
On butterflies' wings,
On wings of my own,
To you, I'm gone,
But I'm never alone~
I'm over the moon.
I am home.

How do they do it?

2010-09-03T10:58:00.002+10:00

Today my eldest has a pupil free day.
I should be taking this opportunity to get a LOT done, as he keeps the little tacker completely occupied. Instead I have spent the entire morning in bed, reading blogs and being generally lazy.

I have in my reader some amazing blogs of amazing mothers who seem to get everything achieved every day. They write about the 10 loads of laundry they did, the four course meal they whipped up with organic produce and truffle oil, their amazing outings with their kids, and the 400 craft projects they did while their perfect children coloured next to them.

They simultaneously inspire me to be better, make me jealous as all get out, and cause me to throw my hands in the air and exclaim "who does that?"

Let me give you a little insight into how my day generally goes:
6am - Rocket and Lou get up, have breakfast.
7am - Lou goes to work
7:30am - My alarm goes off. I snooze it.
7:45am - My alarm goes off. I snooze it.
8am - I start thinking "dammit I should really get up now". My alarm goes off. I snooze it.
8:15am - I roll out of bed and get dressed.
8:20am - I wake Manny up (he is so not a morning person...takes after me!) and get him dressed. Ok so in honesty sometimes on work days he goes to daycare in his jammies.
8:30am - I am yelling at Rocket that it's time to go get in the car we have to leave NOW!
8:45am - drop the big kid at school.

This is where it varies:

Work days - drive the 45 minutes to work, drop off Manny and proceed to be bored to tears for roughly 8 hours. Then pick up the Manny, drive home, collapse on the couch under a blanket and observe while Manny runs around shrieking and Rocket rolls around on the floor or wrestles the baby.

Home days - after dropping Rocket at school there is generally a mess of doctors appointments, dentist appointments, meetings with tradesmen and errands to be run. Little man is dragged from one point to another. When we get home he is exhausted and has a good long nap. I take this opportunity to try and get the house into some semblance of order - a task I never seem to complete.
Before I know it it's 2:30pm and I have to go and get Rocket from school. His best friend tends to come over a lot, and when he is here I get nothing done. My time is occupied by trying to keep Manny away from the big kids who, while they think he is cute, do not appreciate the way he manages to simultaneously get in their way and destroy whatever it is they are doing.
BFF goes home at about 5:30, (or on the days where Rocket is at his house, I go pick him up about 5:30, get caught up in conversation and don't leave till after 6)
Lou gets home at about 5:30ish and we have about 3 minutes to chat before it is time for dinner/baths/showers/bedtime routine/the adults collapsing in front of the heater watching tv/bed.

I just can't see at what point I could ever get anything else done? Perhaps I just need to try harder.

And perhaps on these days off I should be prepared with fun things to do and oh, yes, not lie in bed until 10:30! Ok time to get up now...